I am irritated with my girlfriend. We talk and share things about our life like friends do. But then her husband will make a comment to me about something she and I talked about. It makes me feel betrayed. What should I do? Asked by Teresa – Mobile, AL
While it’s natural for a woman to share her own confidences with her husband, should she share her friends confidences with him too? There are two issues on the table. Should the husband comment to the girlfriend? And, should women understand that confidences share with a girlfriend will be shared with the husband?
Talk to her about it. If she is a good enough friend to confide in, she’s a good enough friend for you to square away the boundaries of your confidences. If she wants to be an open book with her husband, unfortunately that means you’ll have to edit accordingly. Either way though, good for you both to clear the air and work on this together. Amy B. – 40 something
Friendships are so incredibly important; this can be a difficult situation. My experience has been that while a close friendship is important in a woman’s life, a marriage is an incredibly close bond as well. Most women share everything with their husbands, whether through casual daily conversation or to help work through something on their mind. For some women, it’s just habit. For others, they have a philosophy that sharing will help keep the trust-built bond of a marriage stronger.
If you share something with your friend that you don’t want shared with the husband, I think you will have to specifically let her know that. If she has an issue with it, then you know now to share as much with her. Some women will get it, some won’t. But at least you’ll know before you share that embarrassing revelation. Amy C. – 40 something
If you two are friends then talk to her about your concerns. Friendship to me means you can honestly talk with your friend. Now she may not tell you what you want to hear but she will be honest with you. If after having the talk you find the situation continues then you have to rethink the relationship. Friends are allowed to make mistakes, but repeating those mistakes again and again is not acceptable. Helene – 60 something
When a “significant other” enters the picture, the rules with friends frequently change, and not always for the better. Pillow talk is powerful, and things are shared on a more intimate basis, as you know. The first thing I would wonder is why your girlfriend feels a need to tell her husband your business. The second is why her husband feels a need to comment to you personally. I see a red flag here. I have learned from experience that once past the BFF stage we all pass through it is best to keep confidences on a lighter level, and not discuss things you can get hung on. If you need counseling, go and see an objective person such as a minister or therapist, or find a book that deals with the problem you are having. If it is just a matter of her telling him things you would rather not have passed on, just keep mum about certain subjects. If it only happens occasionally, forget it and move on. Do not allow yourself to be fodder for gossip by providing details that should remain private. She is your friend, not your priest, and thus offers no expectations of confidentiality. Marge – 70 something