How to Manage a “Queen Bee” in the Neighborhood?

There is a woman in my neighborhood Bunco group that looks everyone up and down and is just not nice. Any tips on how to competitive women, I don’t want to quit Bunco, but she is too much! Andrea, Tillamook OR

Take the high road in these situations and be extra kind, as hard as it may be. If you approach the evening with the attitude of knowing how this woman will behave, then you can better prepare yourself to ignore the looks and comments and give compliments as a way to redirect her. If she truly is hurtful by what she is saying, someone in your group should mention to this woman that she is not being nice, maybe phrase it as a question: “Is everything ok because you seem particularly upset or on edge?”. If this woman doesn’t get the picture after that, it may be time to restructure your bunco group or start your own. Marjorie – 30 Something

Whoa! The sassy part of me wants to tell you to look her back up and down and respond, “Yup, all 100% natural here. What about you?” But that just wouldn’t be nice now, would it? However, maybe you can use some humor to diffuse her actions, such as “Did I forget to match my shoes again?” or “I am so glad you are here to make sure none of my buttons are undone.” Maybe she doesn’t even realize she does this and this will bring her up short. However, if she really is doing this in an intentionally demeaning way I would completely ignore it. Don’t give mean and hurtful people power over you by validating their actions. As annoying as it is to get “inspected” weekly, don’t quit Bunco over it. She is the one with the problem, not you, so don’t lose out on a good time with friends because of her odd behavior. Maria – 40 Something

The next time you are with her, see if you can view her from the standpoint of having empathy for her. See if you can “help her feel more comfortable.” This shift in perspective might create a new insight for you. People do not usually behave this way unless they are worried about what others think about them. Jamee – 40 Something

Bunco is supposed to be fun! When it is no longer fun-who wants to go? But this Bunco group is based on your neighborhood and from what you are saying-my guess is that you won’t be able to exclude this neighbor. In that case, you may need to talk to her. You could try repeating everything she says back to her. Such as: She says “My, your house is messy! How do you handle living in this filth?” Try- active listening with her, “so you think it is really dirty here.” A statement not anything else. If you parrot back to her-she may stop as she begins to hear herself. If she can’t stop herself in the future-you may want to find a new Bunco group or accept it’s all about her and not you. Ann – 50 Something

Ignore her. Why waste good “energy (chi)” on someone who is miserable. Treat her with the kindness and respect you want and leave it at that. Helene – 60 Something

These kinds of people exist everywhere and are characterized by their insecurities, judgmental nature, and more often than not, snobbishness. You aren’t going to change her because there are forces driving her you don’t want to know about, much less attempt to remedy. I am assuming the rest of your Bunco players are tolerable and don’t like her either, so let the majority rule and ignore the behavior of this one bad apple. Ignore is the key word here. Just like you do immature toddlers who are copping ‘tudes. She is doing this as an attention getting device, so instead of focusing on her bad manners, try complimenting her on something she does that you do like. Grit your teeth and think of something positive. As a last resort, change the Bunco nights and locations around and don’t tell her. She’ll get the message and either quit or shape up. Marge – 70 Something