Wisdom Wednesdays

How to Get Your Husband to Stop Looking at Other Women

How can I get my husband to stop looking at other women? He doesn’t do it all the time but I don’t like it when he does do it.  Asked by Jessie – 30 something – Montreal, Canada

 

This is an issue that has puzzled women for a very long time. Why does the man you are sitting next to glance at other women? You have all the equipment she does and he still looks. Frustrated? See what our panelists answered this week, and our two men panelists chime in:

 

 

 

 

Megan

My grandfather at 83 looked at a woman one day when I was walking with him. I said, “Grandpa, what was that?” He answered, “I’m not dead yet, you know.”  As for my husband, I just play along. For example, I may say, “She’s cute isn’t she?” or “Can’t miss that one can you?” or “Go check out the woman in aisle three.” As long as he brings it home to me and continues to chase my skirt and no one else’s, I figure its normal man behavior. Kind of like watching football with their hands in their pants. Megan – 30 something  

 

MarjorieYou should have a conversation, if you haven’t already about how it makes you feel when he pays visual attention to other women. Perhaps your husband doesn’t realize that he is making you feel uncomfortable when you see him gazing at other people. You could pose the question, ‘How would you feel if I stared at every handsome man that passed by?’ Keep in mind that men are entirely different creatures than women (Men are from Mars, remember?). Sometimes I wish men came with a shock collar and we could zap it every time they did something we didn’t approve of. But that’s just not the way our universe works. Men will look, sometimes gawk or stare (as rude as it may be) and not even realize they are doing it. If you are out in public and your husband is staring at another woman, let him know that you are sensitive to that and don’t appreciate it. Hopefully he will consider your feelings in the future and modify his gazing habits.  Marjorie – 30 something

 

Amy C. - Bombastic Web DesignMy first question would be, have you talked to him about it?  He may not understand that what might be a simple action on his part is having a ripple effect on you.  I would let him know, but not in an angry, accusatory fashion.  Getting him defensive from the get-go will not help the conversation along.  I know it sounds crazy, but he might not realize a) how obvious his “observations” are; and b) that they are hurtful to you.

But I’m going to be honest here:  I have been happily married for almost 2 decades and I’ve been known to sneak a peek now and again.  I don’t think it’s realistic to think he’s never going to look at another woman.  However, it is reasonable to expect that he will always be respectful to you and not do anything that gravitates towards leering.  Amy C. – 40 something

 

Amy BrownJessie, I understand how you feel. Even occasional looking, or worse, ogling, can be annoying. I consulted my partner Jim to get the male point of view. He started saying it was genetic, but after a frosty look, quickly revised his response to agreeing that it was disrespectful. He thought the best approach is to be honest with your guy, and share how it makes you feel. He also offered up that if he treats you well in other respects, try not to dwell if he continues to occasionally look.  Amy B. – 40 something

 

Jamee Tenzer

There are a few ways to tackle this challenge.  The good news is that you have the power to change your experience without changing your Husband (we all know how easy it is to change someone else.)

1.  Take some time to listen to the thoughts you have when you see him look at another woman.  How does it feel and what do you tell yourself.  You don’t have control over what is happening inside your husband’s head, but you do have control over what you tell yourself about any situation.  Tell yourself the truth and the truth only.  Try not to make assumptions about what his looking has to do with him, you or the person he is looking at.  Do your best to get very clear about what it is that bothers you.  Write it down if it helps.

2.  Once you have gotten very clear about your own thoughts, feelings and assumptions, you are ready to talk to him.  Don’t talk to him unless you can do so without judging him.  When you are ready, let him know how it makes you feel when he looks at other women.  Make sure you take responsibility for your discomfort.  For example:

“You shouldn’t look at other people because it hurts my feelings” will not get your point across.

BUT,

“When you look at other women, it makes me feel like you think they are prettier than me.  I take full responsibility for feeling this way, but I am hoping that by sharing it with you, it will help us to make a change that will work for both of us”  will start a conversation.

3.  One more little tip – the minute you stop caring about this, he will probably stop looking at other women.  When we let go and allow things to be the way they are – they usually change.  It is when we are resisting the change, that things get harder. Jamee Tenzer – 40 something

 

Ann GlaserMy husband always said that I don’t want him to stop looking – that would mean he was dead.  But I think you could ask your hubby to be more discreet-I am assuming that you are saying that you see him looking at other women. Tell him that we are all human-and you still enjoy looking at other men-but you would appreciate it if you didn’t have to watch him watching…  Ann – 50 something

 

 

Marge G.Well, Jessie, you can’t, it is in his genes.  After all, he looked at you!   And, there are a lot of women today who parade around in tight shirts with cleavage to their navel that just invites looks.  So, what is a guy to do?  What you can do is communicate with your husband and tell him it bothers you.  If he respects you, he will tone it down and cut the drooling to a minimum and save the comments for a nearby locker room.   If he is using it as a power play to rouse up your insecurities, you had better confront him with that pronto.  A couple of hints to take the wind out of his sails.  If he comments, agree with him that she is a knockout.  Don’t challenge his judgment.  If he is just looking, ignore him and find a handsome dude in the room that you can say would make a terrific partner for her.  Shows him you’re not dead and have some dreams of your own.  At all costs, avoid making it a controversial topic.  If he just looks, and doesn’t touch, he’s normal.  Marge – 70 something

 

Now…from the man side of things:

Well, I have to say embarrassingly, I fall into that category. Lucky for me, my wife knows that looking is all I do. Can’t say I am proud of it, but for some reason, I guess looking doesn’t feel like it is wrong. Like the old saying, you can window shop, as long as you don’t buy.

Guys look! Should be no surprise there. It is human nature to look at others. It is not very realistic to make him stop looking. I can understand her concern if there have been issues in the past, and she feels that she can’t trust him. Hopefully that is not the case. But if not, ask him why he looks. Maybe the lady he is looking at does something he likes. Dresses a certain way, cuts her hair different etc. Maybe the wife could do something like that to make her husband happy. Hopefully spouses are doing things like that to please their mate. That goes for husbands as well as wives.

Hopefully he is not staring when he looks. That should never be acceptable. I would think that is a very awkward situation for the wife if he were doing that.

So to answer the question, you will never get him to stop looking. Probably not the answer you are looking for, but as long as the man is not staring, making noises or whistling at the lady, try to let it go. Mike – 40 something

 

In answering this question, I am reminded of the late Paul Newman’s commentary on fidelity.

“Why go out for a cheeseburger, when you can stay home and have steak!”  I have always loved that line.  He was of course referring to his bride Joann Woodward.  That being said, he was a MAN, and quite possibly may have noticed other “cheeseburgers” from time to time.

Men are visually-oriented and women are visually pleasing creatures.  Y’all just can’t help but being thus!

That being said, I think it is natural for a man to notice an attractive woman.  However, I think continually noticing a woman could indicate a problem.

Open and honest communication about it would be in order if it is truly bothering you.  Jason – 40 something

 

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38 Responses to “How to Get Your Husband to Stop Looking at Other Women”

  1. LB says:

    Sorry, but there is nothing in a man’s genes that says he *has* to look. While it’s a convenient idea, it’s simply not true. The reason he looks is because he’s been taught from very early on that he has a right to do so. And as women continue to compete for the male gaze – doing their best to entice and excite – men will continue to believe it is their right to ogle any woman at any time. It’s about power ladies. We are the objects and they are the subjects.

    To top that off, men are taught the only way they can relate to women is to possess them – with their eyes, bodies, money, etc. – because anything even remotely feminine is considered wimpy behavior in a man’s world. The can’t be emotional, they have to pull away from their mothers and be *real* men, etc. They are forced to kill off anything “soft” about themselves and push down the (so called) feminine aspects of themselves. So they covet the feminine by chasing after objectified feminine beauty to somehow make them feel whole. It’s an act of self solacing – just like any obsession/addiction.

  2. Cham says:

    Truth is… THEY WON’T. Men are visual creatures… Just make yourself healthy and beautiful and he will always come back to you and see you as the best of them all… ;)
    Cham recently posted..The Heart of a TeacherMy Profile

  3. elle says:

    I don’t believe that looking and gawking is necessarily a genetic thing that can’t be helped. It’s definitely a societal, male privilege thing like LB has hinted at. The only way to stop a man from window shopping is to be so alluring yourself that he feels the need to guard you from the glances of other men. That’s a harsh pill to swallow, but he’s looking because you’re not as hot as what he’s looking at. Simple answer. Myself, I ignore it unless it’s blatantly obvious leering. One time he turned his whole body to look at a woman and I went smooth the f*** off on him and left him sitting alone in a restaurant. I said do it again and I would just leave, period. I told him I would not be disrespected. He has since stopped looking so I notice now. That was six months ago. Do NOT go on about your insecurities or how he’s hurting you. It’s about him giving you and your relationship respect. And tie it to consequences and follow through.

  4. sandy says:

    It makes me overly self conscious about my body and looks. He is an affectionate man and hugs and kisses me but doesn’t tell me very often that he loves me, only when I tell him. I become cold to him and do not want closeness after he has starred at someone and he doesn’t get it. He says I make it hard for him to love me and I tell him the same back. We enjoy many outdoor activities together and we love to travel and this is why I keep hanging on. He is good to me and is a good husband in so many ways. But I dont like the way I have become in that I feel that I must endure his disrespect and rudness when it is more important to him to stare at women in front of me even though he knows how it makes me feel. I have told him I know a man is going to look but it should end there because starring is disrespectful to me. I’ve asked him to please not do it in front of me but it is as if he cannot help himself and does it anyway and tries to hide it but it is hard to hide the fact that you are starring at someone. For example, just a few weeks ago we are on the beach, as usual he finds the most attractive girl and positions himself to stare. He did not move out of that position even when I said hey watch out they are feeding the seagulls and they might poop on us. It was only after a group of people came and sat down and blocked his view of the blonde that he immediately turned around to watch the seagulls. I never said a thing about his starring and he doesn’t realize how obvious he makes himself… I’m glad I found this thread and hope it can help me to find ways to get my husband to stop this rude habit while I am with him…
    Sandy

  5. Anita says:

    I have been with my partner for almost 20 years and for the first decade I was oblivious, if not blinkered, to this kind of behaviour. It is only as I have gotten older and wiser that I have realised just how disrespectful he is to me.
    I think I am more likely to notice and feel hurt because he recently (over the last couple of years) admitted to cheating on me in the early stages of our relationship when our son was just a baby. One night stand and all that.
    I must admit that it hit me like a ton of bricks and I keep going back to those days going over and over all of the conversations and the nights out (after the fact) where this girl was present. I feel like a fool.
    Added to this he has started to stare so obviously its ridiculous. We were on holiday last year and every night, whether in a bar or a restaurant, he found a woman to stare with and eye-flirt with. They return the stares and flirting because he is a very attractive man…..but then I am an attractive woman with a good figure and I look after myself in both dress, looks, body and health.
    The worst time was when we went to his friends birthday party. We walked into the house and a woman was staring immediately and I knew she would be trouble. Within 15 minutes he was standing in a side room talking and laughing with her and didn’t come back until I asked his friend where he was and he went to get him. Now, this might be understandable if the guy was a teenager and we were only seeing each other for a while but he is in his early 50s and we have been, as I said, together for 20 years. I said nothing about it all through the party, it was so bad however that a couple of women there thought I had come to the party alone!! When we got home I went crazy and I told him to get out. We patched it up but that, along with the constant staring, is just crushing my confidence.
    I often wonder whether he does it knowingly to push my buttons but I am fast becoming fed up with it.
    We are going out tomorrow night for a meal and I will be walking out on him if he does anything like this again and will not be staying in the relationship because I feel it is unhealthy to feel like this about somebody who supposedly loves me.

  6. Mary says:

    I thought I was the only woman going through this until I came across this board. Let me start by saying I’ve been married for 18 years. I can very relate to the last reply. My husband is very good too me.Tells me He loves me, winks sometimes at me,kisses me, even in the morning while I’m asleep before he goes off to work.I feel we’re soul mates. We’ve been together for 22 years. However, He has cheated on me in the pass when I had my second child.She was only three months when it happened. We had just bought a house and moved into it…I noticed his (not looking) but staring at women.mind you it’s not just checking them out but He’d go back n forth to stare into her eyes. when i was 8 months pregnant for my first child , we were at a gathering. A woman that we didn’t know of was sitting at our table. She kept looking at him and He kept looking at her. We go to restaurants and He is again staring at the eyes of other women…I have confronted him but his response was denial or I’m making it up or over reacting…I put up a lot of this and He knows it hurts me. I don’t think he does realize what he does and can’t control it…Too me, It’s a desire and interest in that person.Even though i feel wanted and good when He tells me he loves me and kisses me and does anything for me but it wipes all away when he does this. It is very disrespectful to me.I makes me unwanted…I love him and would never do this. maybe a few peeks here and there being natural but never gawk at and keep going back for the stare..i really don’t know what to do.
    Mary recently posted..Should You Ask to Go to the Front of the Line in the Women’s Bathroom?My Profile

  7. Jaya says:

    I’m starting to get to the point in my marriage of three years that I’m fed up with my hubby is looking at more girls when we are out. It makes me not want to be with him anymore. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism. I don’t know what it is but it needs to stop ASAP. It makes me sad and makes me question on how I look. We go out with other couples and I don’t see ANY of the hubbies doing this kind of thing. My husband never cheated on me, we’ll, not that I know of, and none of his actions at home make me think otherwise. The only flaw I can say about him is that he is emotionally unavailable all the time. I talked with a few friends about this and they say it’s his culture, and it’s hard for people from his culture to express their feelings. Okay we’ve been together for 9 years, I think it’s about time to “feel okay” and open up to your wife..but still no success in that area. Looking at others, no communication whatsoever, and NO communication is absolutely going to break my heart. I love him dearly but the negatives outweighs the positives at this point.

    • CW says:

      Angie and Mandy I totally agree with everything you said. I caught my husband looking at other women very early on in our relationship and he denied it every time so I didn’t make a huge deal of it until the looking was a bit more obvious. He saw a blonde recently and kept stealing glances until she walked into a shop. My heart was absolutely crushed. Angie, you were right when you said that at that moment when a guy is focused on another woman he is hers. This is exactly how it feels. I am not buying this genetic bs excuse. My husband’s looking just hurts my heart.

  8. Angie says:

    honestly? this is ridiculous! all of this crap about, “oh it’s because he’s a man””it’s normal and a part of nature to look”! well guess what guys and gals, I am a WOMAN. I have natural instincts. I looked at my fiance when I chose him, and the looking stopped there for me. noone even compares to my man, and there are men out there who only find their s/O attractive. so what? are those few men exempt from having been given the genetic material that has made up other men?? I don’t think so. your man, is your man, and his eyes should be only watching you. not the Hoochie with the skirt up her a**! and of he wishes he could he’s hers for the moment, not yours anymore! i consider looking to be cheating. so don’t give me that window shopping s**t!

  9. Summer says:

    I believe the comments about window shopping is crap and it’s no more in a male’s genes to gawk at the opposite sex as it is in a female’s. It’s not respectful and it’s time that women stop accepting this behavior. My husband gawks at other women and then tries to put it on me that I’m too jealous and controlling. I’ve been with him for 30 years. This behavior is no longer acceptable and I end up questioning myself as to what is wrong with me if he is still shopping for other women. I’ve decided to turn the table on him and start pointing out every hot guy out there. I figure he will eventually get the message. At least I’ll start enjoying myself more when we go out instead of constantly doubting my looks as a woman.

  10. Mandy says:

    The thing is I have a fiancee and he looks at other women on front of me and my two an half year old son and everytime we you into public my fiancee always has to look at other women and now my son is doing cause he is watching his dad do it and it’s really bugging me that my fiancee doesn’t care about me or my son and yeah he was taught to do this my his uncle and I’ve tried to get him to stop looking at other women but he won’t. So I don’t know what to do with this now and his step dad told him to keep looking atty other girls. Sop again I don’t know what to now I need help with this situation.

  11. Laara says:

    Men are hard wired to be visual, however science is quickly catching up understanding that men and women are not that different. For example recent research has identified that women think about sex almost as many times a day as men. Also, more than 90% of people (men and women) are visual learners. So, excusing so many men so often for their rudeness as if they are victims of their body without a brain/ free wi is ludicrous.

    I have been married for 15+ years to a man who denied his wandering eye for several years. It hurt and at times I thought I was crazy. He is still trying this occasionally and my advice women is to not accept these little boy excuses, and if they do it at the outset of a relationship it never gets better. I have told him how much it hurts, gone to counseling, almost left him and no change. My advice to men: grow up and either be with someone or don’t and try to model being a gentleman, particularly so for fathers!

    Also an FYI for some men who are judgmental – I was a model, have a masters degree, my own company, have supported him and our 2 kids all this time, am sexually adventurous and have tried any/everything to keep our love life exciting. He is obese, balding, is just starting to help out with paying some bills, says I’m the love of his life, is scared to death of losing me, but still has a wandering eye.

  12. Angela says:

    Let me start by saying that my husband is a good man. We have been together for 7 years, married the last two. He is constantly staring at other women, and I’ve called him out on it. He claims he does not do it when we are together, only when he is by himself or out with friends. I’ve told him how that doesn’t make me feel any better as I am not there to remind him of our commitment to each other. I’ve told him how cheap, ugly, and disrespectful it makes me feel, and he claims that he “just can’t control” himself and that “I’ve been doing it my whole life, there’s nothing I can do to stop it.” He told me that I’m not normal for thinking he is disrespectful for doing this. I’ve dyed my hair to blonde (his favorite), worn clothes he picks out, and even gone as far as to skip a few meals to stay slim for him… to no avail. What am I supposed to do… I don’t want to lose my husband because I’m not good enough..

    • Jane says:

      When a real man is truelly inlove with you and respects you…he would never stare not even look because he is thinking about your feelings. The reason he stares its because he no longer care about his your feelings nor does he respect you or your marriage. He can stop BUT he doesnt want too. Wives/females on the otherhand can stop staring just like that…so why cant men? Because they no longer love their wife. Simple as that. U love your husband right and he tells you what u do hurts him..will u stop for him? Yes u would. So if he loves u he would do the same.

  13. agi says:

    Hi
    I am facing the same issues. I have faced these issues with every man in my life. Even my father.
    This behaviour is the part of men that women’s equality didn’t change. What has largely happened is that women have become predators.
    Many friends have tried to get me over this by extolling the caveman hypothesis. Saying I have to get over it. If I am stabbed, will I not bleed? OF COURSE I WILL !!!

    I love my man. I have respect for him in all ways, but this. He is devastated any time I am hurt and says he has no idea this is happening. This has happened even during the “honeymoon” stage. I almost believe that he doesn’t knwo. I agree this is learned accepted behaviour all over the world. Frankly, It’s pants. It makes any woman hate herself or go numb to it and makes me HATE THIS PART OF HIM. 99% is perfect but this.

    We wish to marry soon but I can’t until somehow this is resolved. If he were doing it to elicit a response in me. Then ignoring it would change the situation. I don’t believe he is. I have read advice to start looking. Why should I act against my instinct and further disrespect us both? I know what a man looks like. Flesh is flesh. Even good flesh is transient. I am not confident physically but I know I am the most attractive beautiful woman in my heart and soul and mind. I have no issues with that. When he does this. It kills all of that. I feel like nothing. I feel I have lost him. I have voiced my pain. He listens but just doesn’t get it. It’s as though he is a totally different person on this subject. He has compassion and great awareness on all subjects. Don’t get why he is blind to this?

  14. Wendy says:

    Listen, please stop complaining. I am married to a wonderful man, we have been together for four years. He looks sometimes, but makes sure that its not obvious, when I am not around or I can’t tell. He looks, and I look as well. There are good looking men around where I live (a military base) strong muscular men with nice bodies. I look to, but not obvious. We love each other to death, but I had a previous relationship of five years where my ******* ex blatantly stared and flirted, danced with and shamelessly and picked up on girls while I looked on. When you have had a lousy partner and a dirt bag in your life, you learn to overlook the “just barely looks sometimes”. Stop complaining and he will stop doing it and if he still does not stop, end it. It is about respect. If he does not respect the relationship, then he does not respect you. end of story.

    • Maria says:

      Don’t judge her you are not walking in her shoes. we all have different ways of handling these type of issues. If you don’t care to be disrespected and your not a god fearing woman than don’t judge another womans pain. You don’t know the details of her her relationship with her husband. We are here for support not to be judging one another. You must have had a wonderful mother. . Its not complaining it making your feelings known for support.

  15. andi says:

    Oh my god it sucks to be a woman. I don’t know if this staring behaviour is affecting me because as a wife with two kids under three I feel generally unappreciated or if it is the behaviour itself, but it just makes me feel so hurt. I agree a glance is ok and pretty natural but staring when you are out together is just disgustingly rude. My husband has done this more times than I care to count, and I think I will take the advise of discussing it with him. Honestly I find it so hurtful it makes me want to cheat on him because the feeling is the same. We always have to read this crap about how men are genetically engineered by design to look at other females, well I just think that isn’t true. Before I settled down if something caught my eye I would follow it mentally and sometimes physically, but I intrinsically understand that it would be rude to do this overtly or even subtley now, so out of respect for the person who I am with, I don’t do it. WHy cant I have the same respect? A rant this is, but I feel better to read that other human beings consider that it is disrespectful to stare at other women when you are out as a family or a couple. And I mean staring, not glancing. Actually, I worked as a waitress and was disgusted by the men I encountered there too. Some of them would be out with a female companion and openly stare and flirt. One guy even turned to face me and mouthed you’re so beautiful, getting his last visual drink all over my body before leaving with his back to his date who was looking on–and she was waaaay too sophisticated to be with that ******** imho. All in all the behaviour sucks but it leads me to this other conclusion which I am still too emotionally attached to yet act on, which is that as females we generally prosper better on our own. No matter how attractive, accomplished, intelligent, caring, hardworking loyal whatever you may be, its never enough. Alone you can live your life with healthy self esteem and eat when your hungry ( enjoy men when you feel like it).

  16. joan says:

    these answers are all typical of women who cant get their men to stop looking at other women. Sorry, this behavior is disrespectful and demeaning to the women who you lay in bed with them every night (married people)of course! answers from men such as I can look but not touch is just an excuse for them to be disrespectful. Why do we as women just except the disrespect? I am in a committed relationship. My Husband is constantly ogling women. Then when he gets caught he says I am crazy and I should not believe my own eyes. His comments just anger me even more.. I agree with Wendy, he wont stop and I wont continue to tolerate it. I am really considering leaving this marriage. I don’t disrespect him on that level and I demand the same respect. He does not respect me or the marriage Constitution. If he is always looking, what guarantee do I have that he wont take it to the next level? do any of you women who say he is only looking have a guarantee that your man wont take it to the next level. I bet your man is also looking at porn too right? is that ok? mine is! when do we draw the line? ogling? porn? what’s next prostitutes? some will never know I guess. well I am moving on…

  17. Abigail says:

    When I met my husband he was very secretive about what was going on on his phone. He would literally take his phone everywhere – even to the toilet! The one day I just took his phone and started reading all his flirt messages with other girls. He said that they meant nothing. Our relationship was difficult since day one due to his behaviour that was causing severe trust issues. The day before we got married I told him that I cannot go through with this as he has hurt me so many times and I am not sure that I will be safe with him. He said that he loved me so much and that he will never ever in his whole life hurt me again. He has stopped everything. I have free access to his phone now and we spend all our time together. I have noticed that when there is a beautiful girl he will go out of his way to look at her. All of a sudden his car window go down and he is very interested in the people sitting at the coffee shop while he is driving past. He nearly made an accident with my brand new one day old car because he was checking out another woman walking past. At another time he was going to turn right, but when he saw a woman further down the street he decided to go straight – away from the destination. Yesterday morning we were kissing goodbye and when I opened my eyes during the kiss I noticed that he was looking past me. I turned around and saw this young 20 year old walking past. Hubby is 50 next year. She was not wearing revealing clothes or anything. What makes me even more sad is the fact that hubby blames me for making up all these stories because I just feel like fighting. We have not even be married a year! He has left his first wife for his misstress. But then his mistress left him for the neighbour and he had a few on-off flings, but he was generally a lonely man for the 5 past years (except for his cybersexing buddings on his bbm when i met him). He feels that he deserves to be trusted because when he broke my trust it was a loooooong time ago… it was literally only a year ago and it is very fresh in my memory and he has not been remorseful once. I am a pretty woman. I am 37 years old and I look after myself.

  18. Rick says:

    I’m a man, I’m married, I love my wife, and yes, I look at other women. She looks at other men. We’ll point them out to each other. Just because I love my wife more than any other woman in the universe, that doesn’t mean that all the rest of them are ugly! The reverse is also true!

    That being said, if it bothers you, then he needs to know. Period. A loving relationship is full of give and take, and if that’s a take you must have, then ask him to give. Don’t whine about it, or make it a ‘nag’ thing. Just flat-out tell him, “Hey, it bothers me when I catch you looking at other girls.” He might respond with the ‘gene’ comment, or some other smart remark, but that comment will stick, and trust me, if he loves you he’ll make an effort to stop.

  19. squirel says:

    I have the same problem obvioussly that’s why I am reading all this and I feel the same hurt angry embarassed in front of those women he is looking at…
    Aren’t all these guys gemini? Mine is and it seems to be even in the description of his star sign…
    I have dated other men before and this fact always annoyed me about them, which maybe means I am not confident enough and too sensitive but some did it more and some less.

    I love my boyfriend but I have to admit this is the worst thing about him and it makes me hate him sometimes.He is a very intelligent person and a very loving and respectful person in every other aspect except for this.

    I told him how it makes me feel I cried many times, told him how it hurts me but it still keeps happening and actually it was also happening in the honeymoon stage too. Right after we made love for the first time as well. I can’t help but ask what is wrong with these men???? It makes me completely loose my respect trust and faith in him.

    I am a model who dated many men he is short, overweight and never had a girlfiend before.I love him and physical appearance is not as important for me as if a man treats me right…
    I colored my hair thinking it was a hair color problem, I wore less clothes in public to get male attention in front of him( which seemed to help a little)now I am getting breast implants to make myself feel better and to look more attractive.

    He keeps saying he doesn’t care about the breast size or about the hair color , so what is it???Why are some men so stupid in front of some women? Their intelligence drops rapidly as soon as there is an attractive woman in front of them….and they look like little stupid horny boys that see a toy. It’s not acceptable and I will never be ok with this behaviour from an adult person.

  20. Georgie says:

    Hi All,

    Well after reading through everyone’s articles I too have a husband who knows how to break my heart and manages to push it through the shredder. He doesn’t just look or gaze he has the full on eye contacting love affair happening with a girl he has not even spoken to but likes the look of. He is very good looking and also ha a very fit muscular body. He starts the predator stare until he has her gaze and she will stare back cause she likes the attention. This just does not last for a few minutes it will last for the entire time he is in her presence, this can be at a party that goes all night. He looks at them like the are strippers. The girls seem to always be within clear eye contact even if they move to a better position.
    I don’t know why he does this but he is not afraid to do it in front of me or are the girls for that matter, it is like he has a sickness or some kind of disorder that he can’t stop himself from doing it. We don’t go to places much as a couple, he usually goes off by himself.
    He seems to like the attention he receives, though he swears to me he has never had an affair but I can’t trust him. He also says that I dream it all in my head and says it’s my imagination. He has to do it where ever he goes wether it’s in a restaurant, in the supermarket which he will return same day same time anywhere he goes. We have been married 13 years and I am not sure what or how to go about it.
    Any help or tips would be appreciated. Thanks Georgie

  21. Donna says:

    I’m recently remarried. I noticed my new husband looking even before we were married, but for some reason ignored how much it bothers me. Since we’ve been married, I have found magazines with mostly naked women, in our house. I’ve made it very clear how I feel about it and also about the staring at other women when we are together in public. I’ve had several serious heart-to heart conversations with him about this issue and he makes all kinds of excuses, some denying it, some saying it’s not a big deal. I believe I am an attractive woman who deserves to be treated better than this. He knows how I feel, period. If I don’t see a change indicating that he cares about my feelings, then we are just finished. I will not subject myself to this behavior forever. I could be looking too, and I think it would bother him if I did, but, I am not that kind of woman. So, he changes, or he loses me. His choice now.

  22. Sue says:

    Most women don’t mind the ‘sneaky peak’. What they do when they aren’t with you there is no need to worry about as far as staring goes.
    You feel a ***** when stood next to your made and he has captured the gaze of another woman. Worse still when she realises u are the gf stood next to him.
    What do you do in these situations. I have tried pointing at things in the opposite direction to distract. It doesn’t work – wish I could leave him and want someone else as I want him !

  23. Sue says:

    Women should not mind a man noticing women. Locking eyes for the kick is the difference. Some men seek woman out to see if they fancy them, try to discreetly brush against them, stare at every car that passes if its a woman driver, eyes them up and down when you are stood with them, position their ody to directly face them – all for no other reason than to distinguish whether they are found attractive – what a buzz, some women look coy and flattered tat a man can not take his eyes of them whilst others are possibly annoyed – it’s the response of a smile that they look for.
    How do you react to this subtlety when you know they do love you – how do you not look like the spare part?
    Sue recently posted..Ten Ways for Husbands to Make Their Wives HappyMy Profile

  24. lvnlyt says:

    We were just at the supermarket and I caught him looking once (allowed), twice (pushing it a bit), three, four, five, six times (downright rude and disrespectful!) at another woman. He is always doing this, so I made a joke about it and steered him away from her – he did it again – by which time I was feeling pretty stupid and humiliated. So, I left him in the queue to unload, pay, pack and carry all the shopping whilst just standing at the end if the checkouts reading a magazine. He was fuming!! When he asked me why I had made him feel so stupid, I just told him “because that’s how you make me feel when you ogle other women”. It was soooo satisfying. He still had the cheek to deny it though!!! Men!

  25. Shonda says:

    I am so tired of women beating themselves up and making excuses for a man who feels the need to looks at every woman that walks by. I have been with my husband for 8 years, married 5. For eight years he has checked out woman after woman, no matter if I was or was not present.
    He claims that seeing is not the same as looking, and that looking is not the same as checking someone out. Really??? Isn’t it all done with your eyes in which gives you the sense to see, look, and stare.
    I started gaining weight because I started to feel unattractive and depressed because he didn’t give me any attention. I recently realized that I don’t need him to give me that attention anymore. So now when he wants to see, look, or check out other women- I am making sure that the next man can have something to see, look, and check out.
    He claims that he does not care about that because it lets him know that he has a hot wife. However, it has never failed that every time a guy is taking notice, he is getting ****ed. I have a friend who experiences the exact same, and her husband also gets mad when someone looks at her.
    They say it is part of their genes, and it’s a man’s nature to look at other women. This is what they were made to do —– then why are they getting ****ed at the other men who is looking at their wives and significant others????????????? Isn’t that what he was made to do?

    Ladies, do cry about him checking out another woman any more. When he feels comfortable enough to do it in your presence — get your best outfit on, do your hair, and take your spouse out for a night on the town!!!!!!!!!!!!

  26. Jo says:

    Disgusted by Gawking men! How dare they! And you women, taking it, grow some balls and leave them. Stop putting up with it, they probably cheated on you already and that’s why they stare! Whatever you Perverts. And to those of you with daughters, keep in mind one day they too will be gawked at by peevs like yourselves. Disgusting!!!!!!!!!!

  27. fed up says:

    even thought of poking him in the eyes im that sick of it and lately hes asked me a few times why i dont dump him . have to be honest about the question , i dont know !

  28. Rosemary says:

    I have just come across this thread whilst searching for some information, and couldn’t help reading to the end!

    I am 59 years old and have been married for 37 years. My advice to any young girl who has a boyfriend/fiance who gawps (I am not talking about a quick glance) at other women is to think very carefully if they are going to be happy with this behaviour in 40 or so years time. In my experience it doesn’t improve. Just imagine going out with your 60 year old husband and watching him ogling a 17 year old barmaid for minutes on end – if you can imagine this quite happily then go ahead – otherwise don’t waste another moment of your life on him.

    I wish I had left my husband before being stupid enough to marry him. Joan is right in our case about the porn – his secret porn habit has been another part of our long marriage. I am now with him for purely financial reasons, we get along well enough but our relationship bears no resemblance to the one I had hoped for as a young girl.

    Men indulge in this rude and selfish behaviour quite simply because they feel they are entitled to and they can get away with it, not because it is programmed into their genes. I have never seen my son behave like this, either in front of me or his wife. I must have done something right as he has grown up to respect women :-)

  29. Albinha says:

    We are all in the same boat! We probably googled about this, right?
    My actual bf is always looking around, he’s on stricke 2 , one more and I’m breaking up ! I’ve been married for 8 year prior to this relationship although my ex hubby looked once in a while when he decided to marry me and realized I was the love of his life, I’ve never caught him looking around. From my short (I’m 31yo) experience with man I can say, if he loves you and truly choose you as his life partner he will stop. My marriage ended because he lacked ambition and that was brutal for me.
    Ladies this is not acceptable! This is disrespectful !
    Someone mentioned and I’ll confirm if he’s doing it right in front of you imagine when alone? My dad was like that so bad, my beautiful mom stopped going to events with him, after 17 years together and a so called perfect marriage, my mom found he liked prostitutes, he had been having going for that for many many years! She dumped dad and she did the right thing!
    Don’t think your man is different, we foolish have this ideia that the exception is always with us and it rarely is, sadly .
    You’re worth! You deserve respect! Be sure to say that behavior is hurtful and have an attitude about yourself! Don’t settle for something less than you deserve!

  30. Carla says:

    I am seeing all of the examples and people complaining, but what is the solution? When I first went out with him, he pushed me out of the way to check out a woman with boots up to there and a skirt up to there. He has never done anything like that since but he always finds a way to look. We went from him admitting to him denying to admitting to now back to denying. As all that has changed up and down, the looking never has. I have asked, cried, gotten mad, left, refused to go out, only to give in weeks later and he is looking again. I don’t believe this is genetic. They look cause they want too and the one in front simply is not enough for them and never will be. He cheated at the beginning of our dating and he probably will again.
    So what is the answer because I don’t see a solution to what seems to be a widespeard problem?

  31. F78 says:

    I wouldn’t bother with making sure that a man isn’t looking. But I wouldn’t shy away from looking from a man that I like, either. I make sure to have enough of an independent life such that he understands that my heart wanders just as much as his does. If he experiences any conflict, I just explain to him that other men look at me just as much as he’s looking at those other ones. Problem solved.

  32. steph says:

    What andi said – I can totally relate too. I am seriously contemplating leaving my relationship over this (there are other things as well) but this is another thing to bite the dust….we were out with my daughter and his daughter yesterday and a brides maids party walked by and low and behold he is looking at one of them up and down….I was compelled to say “take a picture it will last longer”…we were out in public and in front of family so I stopped myself- but holy f did my self esteem take a nosedive…even cried myself to sleep last night.
    I think by ourselves as females we are better off- were A LOT healthier emotionally unless we seem to be all married/dating *******s…if I had a friend that told me about her husbsnd checkkng out other women I’d tell her to seriously figure out if there are any redeeming qualities left in the relationship…I’d also tell her you deserve to be with someone that would check women out in private…funny how we cant take our own advice and have the courage to leave..I have had married men look at me while their wives are present and I feel like an adultress…I hate it…these guys need to stay single…who wants to be in a relationship with more than one person ata time?

    • DeAnna says:

      I should add…we are mid 40’s, so not like he’s 20 something with out of control hormones. I was really hoping the vanity of seeing ‘boobs’ would die down by now :(

  33. DeAnna says:

    Noticing a good looking person is completely different than staring at their body parts, it’s not my favorite thing in the world, but I’m not going to get upset if my boyfriend ‘notices’ that a woman is attractive, but the staring or multiple looks at body PARTS is VERY disrespectful.

    Like someone above commented, I will notice his first look…and I will ignore it (sometimes cleavage hanging out for all to see is hard not to notice) but the 3rd..4th…5th glance…well, then the action has become disrespectful and very hurtful.

    If I say something, then he accuses me of being “insecure” and “jealous” which just invalidates my feelings, and makes me feel like something is wrong with me, ignoring the fact that HE’S acting like an insensitive*****.

    I don’t understand WHY looking blatantly look down a women’s shirt just to see cleavage crack, is more important than my feelings? Seriously Wtf? It doesn’t even have to be an attractive nice cleavage…any will do….he has a unattractive female friend that is overweight…and it was no more than fat crease..but he looked over and over and over…anytime she would look away, he’d look at her chest. I held it together until the umpteenth time, and then I had to walk away.

    If that’s how he acts WITH me right there, then it’s hard to trust that there is no line he won’t cross when he’s out with friends, and he doesn’t understand WHY I’m not all gung ho excited to go out on the town with him… ya, the idea of sitting watching you watch every cleavage that walks within sight sounds like SO much fun! NOT!

    He watches porn, and all the HBO series with nothing but boobs and naked women….so why does he need to stare at cleavage crack?? I would really like a break from him and other women’s bodies And have him just be there 100% mentally with ME…at least pretending like I’m the only women in the world to him for just a moment. But in the end, I know this is what will break us up. I won’t spend the rest of my life with a guy like this.

    I’ve talked to male friends about my feelings, and have had a few agree that I have every right to feel this way and that he is being disrespectful. So I know there are guys out there that are more mature and respectful.
    If it was 10% of the time we go out…I would have more patience/understanding…but we are talking 100% of our outings that have a low shirt woman. I almost wonder if it’s some sort of perversion addiction??!!.

  34. Kelly says:

    I have been up all night looking for answers on the internet. I met my boyfriend over a year ago and our life was wonderful! I moved in the the sex life stopped. However, I noticed he looked at other women…staring and it has made me uncomfortable. Not to mention that he takes pills to have intercourse and took them for over a month but yet, I practically beg and we fight about his not being sexual with me anymore. He says it’s normal to look. Let me tell you, not the way he does it. I won’t cheat on him and he knows it, but our life together is not 100%. What really hurts me is the lying to me about it. The excuses. I admit I have looked on his phone and he has many sites he looks at the girls on…and ladies, we are 50-ish so believe me, I couldn’t compete if I wanted to. Facebook was an issue until we both went off of it. But it’s everywhere…including the football sites. We’ve discussed this to no avail. He tells me he loves me and talks about marriage…but what would I have? I know he has texted others…and he denies it. He’s a good man, but this is breaking us…and it will break the next ones he is with. His self esteem is very low as “nothing ever works out in relationships with others”. Well, he has plenty of shower buddies, if you know what I mean. Sorry, everyone, just had to vent. The straw that broke the camel’s back was lying beside him…asleep and waking up to see him in the mirror looking at the “cheerleader’s” and when I asked him, he clicked over and said he was building his favorite Ford truck on the website. Whatever. I want someone that wants me…and believe me, I’m no slouch. I’ve tried joking about it, ignoring it, laughing, crying, fighting and encouraging and there’s not enough respect there for me to understand that I want this to stop. Sure, men are going to look…especially with today’s fashion…but ogling and staring is totally unacceptable. Good luck girls, there are true men out there that don’t look like this. Let’s hope we find them in the future! :) I know he has ED…and that adds to the feelings of low self esteem. You know what’s horrible? I don’t want him to get pills anymore because at least, I know he can’t do it!!! That’s horribly sick!! Sorry, tired of being sick…of sick and tired. Hope you all are well…
    Kelly recently posted..A Parents Bucket List – 30 Things to Do Before the Kids Leave HomeMy Profile

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