How to Get Your Husband to Stop Looking at Other Women

Why men do what they do

husband looking at other women

How can I get my husband to stop looking at other women? He doesn’t do it all the time but I don’t like it when he does do it.  Asked by Jessie – 30 something – Montreal, Canada

This is an issue that has puzzled women for a long time. Why does the man sitting next to you glance at other women? You have all the equipment she does and he still looks. Frustrated? See what our panelists answered this week, and our two men panelists chime in:

From the women:


My grandfather at 83 looked at a woman one day when I was walking with him. I said, “Grandpa, what was that?” He answered, “I’m not dead yet, you know.”  As for my husband, he says he notices an attractive woman passing by kind of like he notices a bill board. He isn’t thinking anything, just noticing. I figure its normal man behavior. Kind of like watching football with their hands in their pants. However, if it every made me uncomfortable, I would talk with him.  Megan – 30 something  

MarjorieYou should have a conversation, if you haven’t already about how it makes you feel when he pays visual attention to other women. Perhaps your husband doesn’t realize that he is making you feel uncomfortable when you see him gazing at other people. You could pose the question, ‘How would you feel if I stared at every handsome man that passed by?’ Keep in mind that men are entirely different creatures than women (Men are from Mars, remember?). Sometimes I wish men came with a shock collar and we could zap it every time they did something we didn’t approve of. But that’s just not the way our universe works. Men will look, sometimes gawk or stare (as rude as it may be) and not even realize they are doing it. If you are out in public and your husband is staring at another woman, let him know that you are sensitive to that and don’t appreciate it. Hopefully he will consider your feelings in the future and modify his gazing habits.  Marjorie – 30 something

Amy C. - Bombastic Web DesignMy first question would be, have you talked to him about it?  He may not understand that what might be a simple action on his part is having a ripple effect on you.  I would let him know, but not in an angry, accusatory fashion.  Getting him defensive from the get-go will not help the conversation along.  I know it sounds crazy, but he might not realize a) how obvious his “observations” are; and b) that they are hurtful to you.

But I’m going to be honest here:  I have been happily married for almost 2 decades and I’ve been known to sneak a peek now and again.  I don’t think it’s realistic to think he’s never going to look at another woman.  However, it is reasonable to expect that he will always be respectful to you and not do anything that gravitates towards leering.  Amy C. – 40 something

Amy BrownJessie, I understand how you feel. Even occasional looking, or worse, ogling, can be annoying. I consulted my partner Jim to get the male point of view. He started saying it was genetic, but after a frosty look, quickly revised his response to agreeing that it was disrespectful. He thought the best approach is to be honest with your guy, and share how it makes you feel. He also offered up that if he treats you well in other respects, try not to dwell if he continues to occasionally look.  Amy B. – 40 something

Jamee TenzerThere are a few ways to tackle this challenge.  The good news is that you have the power to change your experience without changing your Husband (we all know how easy it is to change someone else.)

1.  Take some time to listen to the thoughts you have when you see him look at another woman.  How does it feel and what do you tell yourself.  You don’t have control over what is happening inside your husband’s head, but you do have control over what you tell yourself about any situation.  Tell yourself the truth and the truth only.  Try not to make assumptions about what his looking has to do with him, you or the person he is looking at.  Do your best to get very clear about what it is that bothers you.  Write it down if it helps.

2.  Once you have gotten very clear about your own thoughts, feelings and assumptions, you are ready to talk to him.  Don’t talk to him unless you can do so without judging him.  When you are ready, let him know how it makes you feel when he looks at other women.  Make sure you take responsibility for your discomfort.  For example:

“You shouldn’t look at other people because it hurts my feelings” will not get your point across.


“When you look at other women, it makes me feel like you think they are prettier than me.  I take full responsibility for feeling this way, but I am hoping that by sharing it with you, it will help us to make a change that will work for both of us”  will start a conversation.

3.  One more little tip – the minute you stop caring about this, he will probably stop looking at other women.  When we let go and allow things to be the way they are – they usually change.  It is when we are resisting the change, that things get harder. Jamee Tenzer – 40 something

Ann GlaserMy husband always said that I don’t want him to stop looking – that would mean he was dead.  But I think you could ask your hubby to be more discreet-I am assuming that you are saying that you see him looking at other women. Tell him that we are all human-and you still enjoy looking at other men-but you would appreciate it if you didn’t have to watch him watching…  Ann – 50 something


Marge G.Well, Jessie, you can’t, it is in his genes.  After all, he looked at you!   And, there are a lot of women today who parade around in tight shirts with cleavage to their navel that just invites looks.  So, what is a guy to do?  What you can do is communicate with your husband and tell him it bothers you.  If he respects you, he will tone it down and cut the drooling to a minimum and save the comments for a nearby locker room.   If he is using it as a power play to rouse up your insecurities, you had better confront him with that pronto.  A couple of hints to take the wind out of his sails.  If he comments, agree with him that she is a knockout.  Don’t challenge his judgment.  If he is just looking, ignore him and find a handsome dude in the room that you can say would make a terrific partner for her.  Shows him you’re not dead and have some dreams of your own.  At all costs, avoid making it a controversial topic.  If he just looks, and doesn’t touch, he’s normal.  Marge – 70 something

Now…from the man side of things:

Well, I have to say embarrassingly, I fall into that category. Lucky for me, my wife knows that looking is all I do. Can’t say I am proud of it, but for some reason, I guess looking doesn’t feel like it is wrong. Like the old saying, you can window shop, as long as you don’t buy.

Guys look! Should be no surprise there. It is human nature to look at others. It is not very realistic to make him stop looking. I can understand her concern if there have been issues in the past, and she feels that she can’t trust him. Hopefully that is not the case. But if not, ask him why he looks. Maybe the lady he is looking at does something he likes. Dresses a certain way, cuts her hair different etc. Maybe the wife could do something like that to make her husband happy. Hopefully spouses are doing things like that to please their mate. That goes for husbands as well as wives.

Hopefully he is not staring when he looks. That should never be acceptable. I would think that is a very awkward situation for the wife if he were doing that.

So to answer the question, you will never get him to stop looking. Probably not the answer you are looking for, but as long as the man is not staring, making noises or whistling at the lady, try to let it go. Mike – 40 something

In answering this question, I am reminded of the late Paul Newman’s commentary on fidelity.

“Why go out for a cheeseburger, when you can stay home and have steak!”  I have always loved that line.  He was of course referring to his bride Joann Woodward.  That being said, he was a MAN, and quite possibly may have noticed other “cheeseburgers” from time to time.

Men are visually-oriented and women are visually pleasing creatures.  Y’all just can’t help but being thus!

That being said, I think it is natural for a man to notice an attractive woman.  However, I think continually noticing a woman could indicate a problem.

Open and honest communication about it would be in order if it is truly bothering you.  Jason – 40 something



  1. Sorry, but there is nothing in a man’s genes that says he *has* to look. While it’s a convenient idea, it’s simply not true. The reason he looks is because he’s been taught from very early on that he has a right to do so. And as women continue to compete for the male gaze – doing their best to entice and excite – men will continue to believe it is their right to ogle any woman at any time. It’s about power ladies. We are the objects and they are the subjects.

    To top that off, men are taught the only way they can relate to women is to possess them – with their eyes, bodies, money, etc. – because anything even remotely feminine is considered wimpy behavior in a man’s world. The can’t be emotional, they have to pull away from their mothers and be *real* men, etc. They are forced to kill off anything “soft” about themselves and push down the (so called) feminine aspects of themselves. So they covet the feminine by chasing after objectified feminine beauty to somehow make them feel whole. It’s an act of self solacing – just like any obsession/addiction.

    • My husband and I are not speaking because of this behavior. We were at the store there was a female that works at the gas section of the store that he has been making frequent trips to and they are not speaking to each other outside of her job.

      The next week we were at the store and at the end of the aisle, we turned and there she was. We went past her and she went on up the aisle. As we made the turn I watched him turn around and look back at her and watch her. I was waiting for him to turn to look at me but he didn’t. He asked what was wrong immediately. Then he started looking for her to come out of the aisle.

      When he asked what is wrong again for the 5th time I said ” you need to stop being so obvious about her” he asked who I could tell by the look he knew who I was referring to. Then he denied it saying he didn’t do it. I gave him a reinactment of his behavior he walked away and hasn’t spoke to me since.

      He looks every time we are out together and doesn’t hide it.

    • I totally agree with you.

      Why should women take it.
      Why should they be able to go on disrespecting their partners?

      Why should we go on giving excuses for their bad behaviour.
      That’s like giving them a green light to bully .

      • Where in the bible it says ” men are visual creatures?” Women please stop making up excuses for these men.
        I would leave my husband if he ever did these things to me. I know it abomination to God. For a husband/man to lust after a women when he sees her.

    • I agree, men are sort of pre-programmed to look at other women (but some do it a lot more than others). I want to share this solution to it which I found quite by accident…….
      My ex used to always ogle other women when we were out to the point of ignoring me for most of the evening sometimes , so this is what I did…
      When he was obviously looking at someone I would swiftly turn in that direction ‘as though he had seen something interesting that maybe I too might be interested in’ and I continued to look until he diverted his attention back to me.
      This never took very long because now this poor girl not only had this lecherous, middle-aged man looking at her but also his wife. I had blown his cover, what a shame !
      I did this over and over again, sometimes even swapping seats so I could sit next to him and get a better view of his attentions.
      Also, when he starts staring you need to cease conversation immediately and focus all of your attentions on the lady or ladies in question.
      Just smile nicely at her, it’s not her fault that he can’t keep his eyes off her . It does work and if you turn it into an amusing sort of game for yourself it hurts less.
      By the way, there is a very good reason why this man is now my ex – if you can’t trust him, move on.
      There are many wonderful, kind caring, non- ogling men out there who will treat you the way you deserve ladies, with respect !!!

  2. Truth is… THEY WON’T. Men are visual creatures… Just make yourself healthy and beautiful and he will always come back to you and see you as the best of them all… 😉

  3. I don’t believe that looking and gawking is necessarily a genetic thing that can’t be helped. It’s definitely a societal, male privilege thing like LB has hinted at. The only way to stop a man from window shopping is to be so alluring yourself that he feels the need to guard you from the glances of other men. That’s a harsh pill to swallow, but he’s looking because you’re not as hot as what he’s looking at. Simple answer. Myself, I ignore it unless it’s blatantly obvious leering. One time he turned his whole body to look at a woman and I went smooth the f*** off on him and left him sitting alone in a restaurant. I said do it again and I would just leave, period. I told him I would not be disrespected. He has since stopped looking so I notice now. That was six months ago. Do NOT go on about your insecurities or how he’s hurting you. It’s about him giving you and your relationship respect. And tie it to consequences and follow through.

  4. It makes me overly self conscious about my body and looks. He is an affectionate man and hugs and kisses me but doesn’t tell me very often that he loves me, only when I tell him. I become cold to him and do not want closeness after he has starred at someone and he doesn’t get it. He says I make it hard for him to love me and I tell him the same back. We enjoy many outdoor activities together and we love to travel and this is why I keep hanging on. He is good to me and is a good husband in so many ways. But I dont like the way I have become in that I feel that I must endure his disrespect and rudness when it is more important to him to stare at women in front of me even though he knows how it makes me feel. I have told him I know a man is going to look but it should end there because starring is disrespectful to me. I’ve asked him to please not do it in front of me but it is as if he cannot help himself and does it anyway and tries to hide it but it is hard to hide the fact that you are starring at someone. For example, just a few weeks ago we are on the beach, as usual he finds the most attractive girl and positions himself to stare. He did not move out of that position even when I said hey watch out they are feeding the seagulls and they might poop on us. It was only after a group of people came and sat down and blocked his view of the blonde that he immediately turned around to watch the seagulls. I never said a thing about his starring and he doesn’t realize how obvious he makes himself… I’m glad I found this thread and hope it can help me to find ways to get my husband to stop this rude habit while I am with him…

  5. I have been with my partner for almost 20 years and for the first decade I was oblivious, if not blinkered, to this kind of behaviour. It is only as I have gotten older and wiser that I have realised just how disrespectful he is to me.
    I think I am more likely to notice and feel hurt because he recently (over the last couple of years) admitted to cheating on me in the early stages of our relationship when our son was just a baby. One night stand and all that.
    I must admit that it hit me like a ton of bricks and I keep going back to those days going over and over all of the conversations and the nights out (after the fact) where this girl was present. I feel like a fool.
    Added to this he has started to stare so obviously its ridiculous. We were on holiday last year and every night, whether in a bar or a restaurant, he found a woman to stare with and eye-flirt with. They return the stares and flirting because he is a very attractive man…..but then I am an attractive woman with a good figure and I look after myself in both dress, looks, body and health.
    The worst time was when we went to his friends birthday party. We walked into the house and a woman was staring immediately and I knew she would be trouble. Within 15 minutes he was standing in a side room talking and laughing with her and didn’t come back until I asked his friend where he was and he went to get him. Now, this might be understandable if the guy was a teenager and we were only seeing each other for a while but he is in his early 50s and we have been, as I said, together for 20 years. I said nothing about it all through the party, it was so bad however that a couple of women there thought I had come to the party alone!! When we got home I went crazy and I told him to get out. We patched it up but that, along with the constant staring, is just crushing my confidence.
    I often wonder whether he does it knowingly to push my buttons but I am fast becoming fed up with it.
    We are going out tomorrow night for a meal and I will be walking out on him if he does anything like this again and will not be staying in the relationship because I feel it is unhealthy to feel like this about somebody who supposedly loves me.

  6. I thought I was the only woman going through this until I came across this board. Let me start by saying I’ve been married for 18 years. I can very relate to the last reply. My husband is very good too me.Tells me He loves me, winks sometimes at me,kisses me, even in the morning while I’m asleep before he goes off to work.I feel we’re soul mates. We’ve been together for 22 years. However, He has cheated on me in the pass when I had my second child.She was only three months when it happened. We had just bought a house and moved into it…I noticed his (not looking) but staring at women.mind you it’s not just checking them out but He’d go back n forth to stare into her eyes. when i was 8 months pregnant for my first child , we were at a gathering. A woman that we didn’t know of was sitting at our table. She kept looking at him and He kept looking at her. We go to restaurants and He is again staring at the eyes of other women…I have confronted him but his response was denial or I’m making it up or over reacting…I put up a lot of this and He knows it hurts me. I don’t think he does realize what he does and can’t control it…Too me, It’s a desire and interest in that person.Even though i feel wanted and good when He tells me he loves me and kisses me and does anything for me but it wipes all away when he does this. It is very disrespectful to me.I makes me unwanted…I love him and would never do this. maybe a few peeks here and there being natural but never gawk at and keep going back for the stare..i really don’t know what to do.

  7. I’m starting to get to the point in my marriage of three years that I’m fed up with my hubby is looking at more girls when we are out. It makes me not want to be with him anymore. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism. I don’t know what it is but it needs to stop ASAP. It makes me sad and makes me question on how I look. We go out with other couples and I don’t see ANY of the hubbies doing this kind of thing. My husband never cheated on me, we’ll, not that I know of, and none of his actions at home make me think otherwise. The only flaw I can say about him is that he is emotionally unavailable all the time. I talked with a few friends about this and they say it’s his culture, and it’s hard for people from his culture to express their feelings. Okay we’ve been together for 9 years, I think it’s about time to “feel okay” and open up to your wife..but still no success in that area. Looking at others, no communication whatsoever, and NO communication is absolutely going to break my heart. I love him dearly but the negatives outweighs the positives at this point.

    • Angie and Mandy I totally agree with everything you said. I caught my husband looking at other women very early on in our relationship and he denied it every time so I didn’t make a huge deal of it until the looking was a bit more obvious. He saw a blonde recently and kept stealing glances until she walked into a shop. My heart was absolutely crushed. Angie, you were right when you said that at that moment when a guy is focused on another woman he is hers. This is exactly how it feels. I am not buying this genetic bs excuse. My husband’s looking just hurts my heart.

  8. honestly? this is ridiculous! all of this crap about, “oh it’s because he’s a man””it’s normal and a part of nature to look”! well guess what guys and gals, I am a WOMAN. I have natural instincts. I looked at my fiance when I chose him, and the looking stopped there for me. noone even compares to my man, and there are men out there who only find their s/O attractive. so what? are those few men exempt from having been given the genetic material that has made up other men?? I don’t think so. your man, is your man, and his eyes should be only watching you. not the Hoochie with the skirt up her a**! and of he wishes he could he’s hers for the moment, not yours anymore! i consider looking to be cheating. so don’t give me that window shopping s**t!

  9. I believe the comments about window shopping is crap and it’s no more in a male’s genes to gawk at the opposite sex as it is in a female’s. It’s not respectful and it’s time that women stop accepting this behavior. My husband gawks at other women and then tries to put it on me that I’m too jealous and controlling. I’ve been with him for 30 years. This behavior is no longer acceptable and I end up questioning myself as to what is wrong with me if he is still shopping for other women. I’ve decided to turn the table on him and start pointing out every hot guy out there. I figure he will eventually get the message. At least I’ll start enjoying myself more when we go out instead of constantly doubting my looks as a woman.

    • Wow, this is the best site, thank you thank you for speaking the truth. Men look because of our culture saying it’s ok. When they were able to first enjoy football, what do the cheerleaders tell them? Check out other women with your wife and family right next to you!!! Why is it allowed? Because women act like they are so secure with themselves it’s ok for men to do that. Yeah, whatever…men also need to admit it’s wrong, they do it because they’re allowed! Women make up 51% of the population, start speaking loud ladies!! Use your wallets!

  10. The thing is I have a fiancee and he looks at other women on front of me and my two an half year old son and everytime we you into public my fiancee always has to look at other women and now my son is doing cause he is watching his dad do it and it’s really bugging me that my fiancee doesn’t care about me or my son and yeah he was taught to do this my his uncle and I’ve tried to get him to stop looking at other women but he won’t. So I don’t know what to do with this now and his step dad told him to keep looking atty other girls. Sop again I don’t know what to now I need help with this situation.

  11. Men are hard wired to be visual, however science is quickly catching up understanding that men and women are not that different. For example recent research has identified that women think about sex almost as many times a day as men. Also, more than 90% of people (men and women) are visual learners. So, excusing so many men so often for their rudeness as if they are victims of their body without a brain/ free wi is ludicrous.

    I have been married for 15+ years to a man who denied his wandering eye for several years. It hurt and at times I thought I was crazy. He is still trying this occasionally and my advice women is to not accept these little boy excuses, and if they do it at the outset of a relationship it never gets better. I have told him how much it hurts, gone to counseling, almost left him and no change. My advice to men: grow up and either be with someone or don’t and try to model being a gentleman, particularly so for fathers!

    Also an FYI for some men who are judgmental – I was a model, have a masters degree, my own company, have supported him and our 2 kids all this time, am sexually adventurous and have tried any/everything to keep our love life exciting. He is obese, balding, is just starting to help out with paying some bills, says I’m the love of his life, is scared to death of losing me, but still has a wandering eye.

    • LoooL Laara , i believe you ! So is my husband , obese , starting to get a serious bald patch on his head and …a player . Just now a very sad player , to give you an example he got a call from a drunk woman , 10 yrs older ( looks older than she is, bless her heart) and could NOT tell her not to call anymore ( even though we’ve been back together and re-married for a year)…

  12. Let me start by saying that my husband is a good man. We have been together for 7 years, married the last two. He is constantly staring at other women, and I’ve called him out on it. He claims he does not do it when we are together, only when he is by himself or out with friends. I’ve told him how that doesn’t make me feel any better as I am not there to remind him of our commitment to each other. I’ve told him how cheap, ugly, and disrespectful it makes me feel, and he claims that he “just can’t control” himself and that “I’ve been doing it my whole life, there’s nothing I can do to stop it.” He told me that I’m not normal for thinking he is disrespectful for doing this. I’ve dyed my hair to blonde (his favorite), worn clothes he picks out, and even gone as far as to skip a few meals to stay slim for him… to no avail. What am I supposed to do… I don’t want to lose my husband because I’m not good enough..

    • When a real man is truelly inlove with you and respects you…he would never stare not even look because he is thinking about your feelings. The reason he stares its because he no longer care about his your feelings nor does he respect you or your marriage. He can stop BUT he doesnt want too. Wives/females on the otherhand can stop staring just like that…so why cant men? Because they no longer love their wife. Simple as that. U love your husband right and he tells you what u do hurts him..will u stop for him? Yes u would. So if he loves u he would do the same.

    • I agree with you. If a man truly respects and loves his wife, he won’t hurt her.
      When I’m hurting and my husband asks what’s wrong, if I tell him, he gets very very angry.
      I don’t know what to do. Why can’t men be satisfied with the one they got.

  13. Hi
    I am facing the same issues. I have faced these issues with every man in my life. Even my father.
    This behaviour is the part of men that women’s equality didn’t change. What has largely happened is that women have become predators.
    Many friends have tried to get me over this by extolling the caveman hypothesis. Saying I have to get over it. If I am stabbed, will I not bleed? OF COURSE I WILL !!!

    I love my man. I have respect for him in all ways, but this. He is devastated any time I am hurt and says he has no idea this is happening. This has happened even during the “honeymoon” stage. I almost believe that he doesn’t knwo. I agree this is learned accepted behaviour all over the world. Frankly, It’s pants. It makes any woman hate herself or go numb to it and makes me HATE THIS PART OF HIM. 99% is perfect but this.

    We wish to marry soon but I can’t until somehow this is resolved. If he were doing it to elicit a response in me. Then ignoring it would change the situation. I don’t believe he is. I have read advice to start looking. Why should I act against my instinct and further disrespect us both? I know what a man looks like. Flesh is flesh. Even good flesh is transient. I am not confident physically but I know I am the most attractive beautiful woman in my heart and soul and mind. I have no issues with that. When he does this. It kills all of that. I feel like nothing. I feel I have lost him. I have voiced my pain. He listens but just doesn’t get it. It’s as though he is a totally different person on this subject. He has compassion and great awareness on all subjects. Don’t get why he is blind to this?

  14. Listen, please stop complaining. I am married to a wonderful man, we have been together for four years. He looks sometimes, but makes sure that its not obvious, when I am not around or I can’t tell. He looks, and I look as well. There are good looking men around where I live (a military base) strong muscular men with nice bodies. I look to, but not obvious. We love each other to death, but I had a previous relationship of five years where my ******* ex blatantly stared and flirted, danced with and shamelessly and picked up on girls while I looked on. When you have had a lousy partner and a dirt bag in your life, you learn to overlook the “just barely looks sometimes”. Stop complaining and he will stop doing it and if he still does not stop, end it. It is about respect. If he does not respect the relationship, then he does not respect you. end of story.

    • Don’t judge her you are not walking in her shoes. we all have different ways of handling these type of issues. If you don’t care to be disrespected and your not a god fearing woman than don’t judge another womans pain. You don’t know the details of her her relationship with her husband. We are here for support not to be judging one another. You must have had a wonderful mother. . Its not complaining it making your feelings known for support.

  15. Oh my god it sucks to be a woman. I don’t know if this staring behaviour is affecting me because as a wife with two kids under three I feel generally unappreciated or if it is the behaviour itself, but it just makes me feel so hurt. I agree a glance is ok and pretty natural but staring when you are out together is just disgustingly rude. My husband has done this more times than I care to count, and I think I will take the advise of discussing it with him. Honestly I find it so hurtful it makes me want to cheat on him because the feeling is the same. We always have to read this crap about how men are genetically engineered by design to look at other females, well I just think that isn’t true. Before I settled down if something caught my eye I would follow it mentally and sometimes physically, but I intrinsically understand that it would be rude to do this overtly or even subtley now, so out of respect for the person who I am with, I don’t do it. WHy cant I have the same respect? A rant this is, but I feel better to read that other human beings consider that it is disrespectful to stare at other women when you are out as a family or a couple. And I mean staring, not glancing. Actually, I worked as a waitress and was disgusted by the men I encountered there too. Some of them would be out with a female companion and openly stare and flirt. One guy even turned to face me and mouthed you’re so beautiful, getting his last visual drink all over my body before leaving with his back to his date who was looking on–and she was waaaay too sophisticated to be with that ******** imho. All in all the behaviour sucks but it leads me to this other conclusion which I am still too emotionally attached to yet act on, which is that as females we generally prosper better on our own. No matter how attractive, accomplished, intelligent, caring, hardworking loyal whatever you may be, its never enough. Alone you can live your life with healthy self esteem and eat when your hungry ( enjoy men when you feel like it).

  16. these answers are all typical of women who cant get their men to stop looking at other women. Sorry, this behavior is disrespectful and demeaning to the women who you lay in bed with them every night (married people)of course! answers from men such as I can look but not touch is just an excuse for them to be disrespectful. Why do we as women just except the disrespect? I am in a committed relationship. My Husband is constantly ogling women. Then when he gets caught he says I am crazy and I should not believe my own eyes. His comments just anger me even more.. I agree with Wendy, he wont stop and I wont continue to tolerate it. I am really considering leaving this marriage. I don’t disrespect him on that level and I demand the same respect. He does not respect me or the marriage Constitution. If he is always looking, what guarantee do I have that he wont take it to the next level? do any of you women who say he is only looking have a guarantee that your man wont take it to the next level. I bet your man is also looking at porn too right? is that ok? mine is! when do we draw the line? ogling? porn? what’s next prostitutes? some will never know I guess. well I am moving on…

  17. When I met my husband he was very secretive about what was going on on his phone. He would literally take his phone everywhere – even to the toilet! The one day I just took his phone and started reading all his flirt messages with other girls. He said that they meant nothing. Our relationship was difficult since day one due to his behaviour that was causing severe trust issues. The day before we got married I told him that I cannot go through with this as he has hurt me so many times and I am not sure that I will be safe with him. He said that he loved me so much and that he will never ever in his whole life hurt me again. He has stopped everything. I have free access to his phone now and we spend all our time together. I have noticed that when there is a beautiful girl he will go out of his way to look at her. All of a sudden his car window go down and he is very interested in the people sitting at the coffee shop while he is driving past. He nearly made an accident with my brand new one day old car because he was checking out another woman walking past. At another time he was going to turn right, but when he saw a woman further down the street he decided to go straight – away from the destination. Yesterday morning we were kissing goodbye and when I opened my eyes during the kiss I noticed that he was looking past me. I turned around and saw this young 20 year old walking past. Hubby is 50 next year. She was not wearing revealing clothes or anything. What makes me even more sad is the fact that hubby blames me for making up all these stories because I just feel like fighting. We have not even be married a year! He has left his first wife for his misstress. But then his mistress left him for the neighbour and he had a few on-off flings, but he was generally a lonely man for the 5 past years (except for his cybersexing buddings on his bbm when i met him). He feels that he deserves to be trusted because when he broke my trust it was a loooooong time ago… it was literally only a year ago and it is very fresh in my memory and he has not been remorseful once. I am a pretty woman. I am 37 years old and I look after myself.

  18. I’m a man, I’m married, I love my wife, and yes, I look at other women. She looks at other men. We’ll point them out to each other. Just because I love my wife more than any other woman in the universe, that doesn’t mean that all the rest of them are ugly! The reverse is also true!

    That being said, if it bothers you, then he needs to know. Period. A loving relationship is full of give and take, and if that’s a take you must have, then ask him to give. Don’t whine about it, or make it a ‘nag’ thing. Just flat-out tell him, “Hey, it bothers me when I catch you looking at other girls.” He might respond with the ‘gene’ comment, or some other smart remark, but that comment will stick, and trust me, if he loves you he’ll make an effort to stop.

  19. I have the same problem obvioussly that’s why I am reading all this and I feel the same hurt angry embarassed in front of those women he is looking at…
    Aren’t all these guys gemini? Mine is and it seems to be even in the description of his star sign…
    I have dated other men before and this fact always annoyed me about them, which maybe means I am not confident enough and too sensitive but some did it more and some less.

    I love my boyfriend but I have to admit this is the worst thing about him and it makes me hate him sometimes.He is a very intelligent person and a very loving and respectful person in every other aspect except for this.

    I told him how it makes me feel I cried many times, told him how it hurts me but it still keeps happening and actually it was also happening in the honeymoon stage too. Right after we made love for the first time as well. I can’t help but ask what is wrong with these men???? It makes me completely loose my respect trust and faith in him.

    I am a model who dated many men he is short, overweight and never had a girlfiend before.I love him and physical appearance is not as important for me as if a man treats me right…
    I colored my hair thinking it was a hair color problem, I wore less clothes in public to get male attention in front of him( which seemed to help a little)now I am getting breast implants to make myself feel better and to look more attractive.

    He keeps saying he doesn’t care about the breast size or about the hair color , so what is it???Why are some men so stupid in front of some women? Their intelligence drops rapidly as soon as there is an attractive woman in front of them….and they look like little stupid horny boys that see a toy. It’s not acceptable and I will never be ok with this behaviour from an adult person.

  20. Hi All,

    Well after reading through everyone’s articles I too have a husband who knows how to break my heart and manages to push it through the shredder. He doesn’t just look or gaze he has the full on eye contacting love affair happening with a girl he has not even spoken to but likes the look of. He is very good looking and also ha a very fit muscular body. He starts the predator stare until he has her gaze and she will stare back cause she likes the attention. This just does not last for a few minutes it will last for the entire time he is in her presence, this can be at a party that goes all night. He looks at them like the are strippers. The girls seem to always be within clear eye contact even if they move to a better position.
    I don’t know why he does this but he is not afraid to do it in front of me or are the girls for that matter, it is like he has a sickness or some kind of disorder that he can’t stop himself from doing it. We don’t go to places much as a couple, he usually goes off by himself.
    He seems to like the attention he receives, though he swears to me he has never had an affair but I can’t trust him. He also says that I dream it all in my head and says it’s my imagination. He has to do it where ever he goes wether it’s in a restaurant, in the supermarket which he will return same day same time anywhere he goes. We have been married 13 years and I am not sure what or how to go about it.
    Any help or tips would be appreciated. Thanks Georgie

  21. I’m recently remarried. I noticed my new husband looking even before we were married, but for some reason ignored how much it bothers me. Since we’ve been married, I have found magazines with mostly naked women, in our house. I’ve made it very clear how I feel about it and also about the staring at other women when we are together in public. I’ve had several serious heart-to heart conversations with him about this issue and he makes all kinds of excuses, some denying it, some saying it’s not a big deal. I believe I am an attractive woman who deserves to be treated better than this. He knows how I feel, period. If I don’t see a change indicating that he cares about my feelings, then we are just finished. I will not subject myself to this behavior forever. I could be looking too, and I think it would bother him if I did, but, I am not that kind of woman. So, he changes, or he loses me. His choice now.

  22. Most women don’t mind the ‘sneaky peak’. What they do when they aren’t with you there is no need to worry about as far as staring goes.
    You feel a ***** when stood next to your made and he has captured the gaze of another woman. Worse still when she realises u are the gf stood next to him.
    What do you do in these situations. I have tried pointing at things in the opposite direction to distract. It doesn’t work – wish I could leave him and want someone else as I want him !

  23. Women should not mind a man noticing women. Locking eyes for the kick is the difference. Some men seek woman out to see if they fancy them, try to discreetly brush against them, stare at every car that passes if its a woman driver, eyes them up and down when you are stood with them, position their ody to directly face them – all for no other reason than to distinguish whether they are found attractive – what a buzz, some women look coy and flattered tat a man can not take his eyes of them whilst others are possibly annoyed – it’s the response of a smile that they look for.
    How do you react to this subtlety when you know they do love you – how do you not look like the spare part?

  24. We were just at the supermarket and I caught him looking once (allowed), twice (pushing it a bit), three, four, five, six times (downright rude and disrespectful!) at another woman. He is always doing this, so I made a joke about it and steered him away from her – he did it again – by which time I was feeling pretty stupid and humiliated. So, I left him in the queue to unload, pay, pack and carry all the shopping whilst just standing at the end if the checkouts reading a magazine. He was fuming!! When he asked me why I had made him feel so stupid, I just told him “because that’s how you make me feel when you ogle other women”. It was soooo satisfying. He still had the cheek to deny it though!!! Men!

  25. I am so tired of women beating themselves up and making excuses for a man who feels the need to looks at every woman that walks by. I have been with my husband for 8 years, married 5. For eight years he has checked out woman after woman, no matter if I was or was not present.
    He claims that seeing is not the same as looking, and that looking is not the same as checking someone out. Really??? Isn’t it all done with your eyes in which gives you the sense to see, look, and stare.
    I started gaining weight because I started to feel unattractive and depressed because he didn’t give me any attention. I recently realized that I don’t need him to give me that attention anymore. So now when he wants to see, look, or check out other women- I am making sure that the next man can have something to see, look, and check out.
    He claims that he does not care about that because it lets him know that he has a hot wife. However, it has never failed that every time a guy is taking notice, he is getting ****ed. I have a friend who experiences the exact same, and her husband also gets mad when someone looks at her.
    They say it is part of their genes, and it’s a man’s nature to look at other women. This is what they were made to do —– then why are they getting ****ed at the other men who is looking at their wives and significant others????????????? Isn’t that what he was made to do?

    Ladies, do cry about him checking out another woman any more. When he feels comfortable enough to do it in your presence — get your best outfit on, do your hair, and take your spouse out for a night on the town!!!!!!!!!!!!

  26. Disgusted by Gawking men! How dare they! And you women, taking it, grow some balls and leave them. Stop putting up with it, they probably cheated on you already and that’s why they stare! Whatever you Perverts. And to those of you with daughters, keep in mind one day they too will be gawked at by peevs like yourselves. Disgusting!!!!!!!!!!

  27. even thought of poking him in the eyes im that sick of it and lately hes asked me a few times why i dont dump him . have to be honest about the question , i dont know !

  28. I have just come across this thread whilst searching for some information, and couldn’t help reading to the end!

    I am 59 years old and have been married for 37 years. My advice to any young girl who has a boyfriend/fiance who gawps (I am not talking about a quick glance) at other women is to think very carefully if they are going to be happy with this behaviour in 40 or so years time. In my experience it doesn’t improve. Just imagine going out with your 60 year old husband and watching him ogling a 17 year old barmaid for minutes on end – if you can imagine this quite happily then go ahead – otherwise don’t waste another moment of your life on him.

    I wish I had left my husband before being stupid enough to marry him. Joan is right in our case about the porn – his secret porn habit has been another part of our long marriage. I am now with him for purely financial reasons, we get along well enough but our relationship bears no resemblance to the one I had hoped for as a young girl.

    Men indulge in this rude and selfish behaviour quite simply because they feel they are entitled to and they can get away with it, not because it is programmed into their genes. I have never seen my son behave like this, either in front of me or his wife. I must have done something right as he has grown up to respect women 🙂

  29. We are all in the same boat! We probably googled about this, right?
    My actual bf is always looking around, he’s on stricke 2 , one more and I’m breaking up ! I’ve been married for 8 year prior to this relationship although my ex hubby looked once in a while when he decided to marry me and realized I was the love of his life, I’ve never caught him looking around. From my short (I’m 31yo) experience with man I can say, if he loves you and truly choose you as his life partner he will stop. My marriage ended because he lacked ambition and that was brutal for me.
    Ladies this is not acceptable! This is disrespectful !
    Someone mentioned and I’ll confirm if he’s doing it right in front of you imagine when alone? My dad was like that so bad, my beautiful mom stopped going to events with him, after 17 years together and a so called perfect marriage, my mom found he liked prostitutes, he had been having going for that for many many years! She dumped dad and she did the right thing!
    Don’t think your man is different, we foolish have this ideia that the exception is always with us and it rarely is, sadly .
    You’re worth! You deserve respect! Be sure to say that behavior is hurtful and have an attitude about yourself! Don’t settle for something less than you deserve!

  30. I am seeing all of the examples and people complaining, but what is the solution? When I first went out with him, he pushed me out of the way to check out a woman with boots up to there and a skirt up to there. He has never done anything like that since but he always finds a way to look. We went from him admitting to him denying to admitting to now back to denying. As all that has changed up and down, the looking never has. I have asked, cried, gotten mad, left, refused to go out, only to give in weeks later and he is looking again. I don’t believe this is genetic. They look cause they want too and the one in front simply is not enough for them and never will be. He cheated at the beginning of our dating and he probably will again.
    So what is the answer because I don’t see a solution to what seems to be a widespeard problem?

  31. I wouldn’t bother with making sure that a man isn’t looking. But I wouldn’t shy away from looking from a man that I like, either. I make sure to have enough of an independent life such that he understands that my heart wanders just as much as his does. If he experiences any conflict, I just explain to him that other men look at me just as much as he’s looking at those other ones. Problem solved.

  32. What andi said – I can totally relate too. I am seriously contemplating leaving my relationship over this (there are other things as well) but this is another thing to bite the dust….we were out with my daughter and his daughter yesterday and a brides maids party walked by and low and behold he is looking at one of them up and down….I was compelled to say “take a picture it will last longer”…we were out in public and in front of family so I stopped myself- but holy f did my self esteem take a nosedive…even cried myself to sleep last night.
    I think by ourselves as females we are better off- were A LOT healthier emotionally unless we seem to be all married/dating *******s…if I had a friend that told me about her husbsnd checkkng out other women I’d tell her to seriously figure out if there are any redeeming qualities left in the relationship…I’d also tell her you deserve to be with someone that would check women out in private…funny how we cant take our own advice and have the courage to leave..I have had married men look at me while their wives are present and I feel like an adultress…I hate it…these guys need to stay single…who wants to be in a relationship with more than one person ata time?

    • I should add…we are mid 40’s, so not like he’s 20 something with out of control hormones. I was really hoping the vanity of seeing ‘boobs’ would die down by now 🙁

  33. Noticing a good looking person is completely different than staring at their body parts, it’s not my favorite thing in the world, but I’m not going to get upset if my boyfriend ‘notices’ that a woman is attractive, but the staring or multiple looks at body PARTS is VERY disrespectful.

    Like someone above commented, I will notice his first look…and I will ignore it (sometimes cleavage hanging out for all to see is hard not to notice) but the 3rd..4th…5th glance…well, then the action has become disrespectful and very hurtful.

    If I say something, then he accuses me of being “insecure” and “jealous” which just invalidates my feelings, and makes me feel like something is wrong with me, ignoring the fact that HE’S acting like an insensitive*****.

    I don’t understand WHY looking blatantly look down a women’s shirt just to see cleavage crack, is more important than my feelings? Seriously Wtf? It doesn’t even have to be an attractive nice cleavage…any will do….he has a unattractive female friend that is overweight…and it was no more than fat crease..but he looked over and over and over…anytime she would look away, he’d look at her chest. I held it together until the umpteenth time, and then I had to walk away.

    If that’s how he acts WITH me right there, then it’s hard to trust that there is no line he won’t cross when he’s out with friends, and he doesn’t understand WHY I’m not all gung ho excited to go out on the town with him… ya, the idea of sitting watching you watch every cleavage that walks within sight sounds like SO much fun! NOT!

    He watches porn, and all the HBO series with nothing but boobs and naked women….so why does he need to stare at cleavage crack?? I would really like a break from him and other women’s bodies And have him just be there 100% mentally with ME…at least pretending like I’m the only women in the world to him for just a moment. But in the end, I know this is what will break us up. I won’t spend the rest of my life with a guy like this.

    I’ve talked to male friends about my feelings, and have had a few agree that I have every right to feel this way and that he is being disrespectful. So I know there are guys out there that are more mature and respectful.
    If it was 10% of the time we go out…I would have more patience/understanding…but we are talking 100% of our outings that have a low shirt woman. I almost wonder if it’s some sort of perversion addiction??!!.

  34. I have been up all night looking for answers on the internet. I met my boyfriend over a year ago and our life was wonderful! I moved in the the sex life stopped. However, I noticed he looked at other women…staring and it has made me uncomfortable. Not to mention that he takes pills to have intercourse and took them for over a month but yet, I practically beg and we fight about his not being sexual with me anymore. He says it’s normal to look. Let me tell you, not the way he does it. I won’t cheat on him and he knows it, but our life together is not 100%. What really hurts me is the lying to me about it. The excuses. I admit I have looked on his phone and he has many sites he looks at the girls on…and ladies, we are 50-ish so believe me, I couldn’t compete if I wanted to. Facebook was an issue until we both went off of it. But it’s everywhere…including the football sites. We’ve discussed this to no avail. He tells me he loves me and talks about marriage…but what would I have? I know he has texted others…and he denies it. He’s a good man, but this is breaking us…and it will break the next ones he is with. His self esteem is very low as “nothing ever works out in relationships with others”. Well, he has plenty of shower buddies, if you know what I mean. Sorry, everyone, just had to vent. The straw that broke the camel’s back was lying beside him…asleep and waking up to see him in the mirror looking at the “cheerleader’s” and when I asked him, he clicked over and said he was building his favorite Ford truck on the website. Whatever. I want someone that wants me…and believe me, I’m no slouch. I’ve tried joking about it, ignoring it, laughing, crying, fighting and encouraging and there’s not enough respect there for me to understand that I want this to stop. Sure, men are going to look…especially with today’s fashion…but ogling and staring is totally unacceptable. Good luck girls, there are true men out there that don’t look like this. Let’s hope we find them in the future! 🙂 I know he has ED…and that adds to the feelings of low self esteem. You know what’s horrible? I don’t want him to get pills anymore because at least, I know he can’t do it!!! That’s horribly sick!! Sorry, tired of being sick…of sick and tired. Hope you all are well…

  35. In Part Jamee Tenzer said: “When you look at other women, it makes me feel like you think they are prettier than me…”
    As a male, let me make this response. Contrare my love, when I look at other women, I think how fortunate I am to have someone as lovely, and as pretty as you. But most importantly, how fortunate I am to have someone like you who really cares for me, and knows no one can take me from you.

    Like Cham said above, Men are visual; let me add and women are audio. Consider this: Who do women dress for. In most cases it is for men, they WANT to be noticed by men. Ever wonder why a woman at a party gets upset when another woman is wearing the same thing she is. A woman will say it’s jealousy, but I suspect it is really more about being competitive. I submit the following for consideration: She wore that particular dress or skirt to be NOTICED by MEN, NOT WOMEN. And when another woman is wearing the same thing, she thinks it means mens attention will be divided between her and someone else, and she wants ALL the attention. When in reality men are just observing and enjoying the “eye candy”. So women, instead of getting jealous, think, that other woman is pretty savvy too, she knows how to pick clothes like me. Yes, men are visual, so dress to please your man. When you go to the store to shop for clothes, give him a fashion show with sexy clothes, you’ll just “turn him on”, and he will be glad he went with you shopping. Ask him if he likes it; you may find out he don’t, and you can LEARN what he really likes. You do want to keep him happy don’t you?

    • Gag me Jerry, your attitude is so typical male brainwashing! Gross. If you have a daughter that’s what quality you will tell her to look for in a man? That is so sad, you probably think viewing porn is acceptable and healthy for society. Ladies don’t believe his lies. He has the typical “Boys will be boys mentality”. You sound like a smooth talker Jerry, women these days aren’t ignorant, stop insulting our intelligence.

  36. I totally agree with Jo!! Yes women go some BALLS and stop whining!!I have a wonderful man in my life. He is loving, generous and kind. But he seems to lose his F-ing mind when he sees a woman that is attractive. Im a hair stylist and make up artist and I am not unattractive. I used to ask him why do you do this? His reaction was to deny this! I mean he would not to admit to this no matter what. I told him it was very disrespectful and I DID NOT LIKE this and was not going to put up with his behavior. So he suggested counseling. We went. But i had to do something that was going to be for my benefit.
    Ladies HERE IS the Solution!!!!!!!!!
    I got tired of arguing and going round and round.First i asked him how do you want me to react when he does this?
    He said react the what I want to! LOL!! So I told him that when he see an attractive woman and that wants to stare at, Please do and I will step back and let him look all he want and enjoy him self! when he is finished doing his thing, he will get the Biggest smile from me!! Now, I told him when I see a fine man with a side order or anything else attracts me to him, I going over to ask him how his day is! and smile. he should to step back and let me do my thing and when Im finished I want a big smile from him!
    You know what he said, which he couldnt say to much was “there should be room for negotiation!!!” LMAO!!!I told him react the way he wanted to!!!
    I told him he started this shit and to deal with it!!!
    He said he has modified his staring and dont want to hurt my any more. That because now he knows how it FEELS!!
    Ladies grow some BALLS!!! This feels GREAT!!!!!!! Try it!!!

  37. To Jerry: Are you for real? men are going to look whether you cry, scream or beg. You have to get respect from them. Jerry Im assuming youre a man, if you are, GROW UP!!!!! I dont care if a woman is Naked doing handstands, respect your woman!!!!! And dose’nt a man want to keep his woman happy and Faithful?!! Believe me in your situation it won’t be long before she’s getting attention somewhere else!!!!

  38. Matthew 5:28 people. Thoughts are just as bad as actions. Don’t expect anything from your woman that you cannot give/do for her. It’s the same the other way around. Control yourselves, people. Stop making excuses for your actions.

  39. What I feel personally is that the female comments is all about being waaaaay too insecure about your own power and self-esteem. I have been reading most of it and everyone in here wants to be felt respected and loved. I think that this is a normal way of feeling about yourself and I think that our partners can also be part of making you feel this way. Well, one thing’s for sure, with this behavior it’s not really going to improve anything. Ah, just trying to act the same way that you actually despise, so that it might give him the same feeling that you’re experiencing?!? That’s seriously really mature of you, no really… We have been staring at women way before we met our significant other, so don’t just look at us when we are staring at others. There are common
    rules that should be worked on. I for one don’t care when my wife is looking at other men, because she gives me every other second of her life the feeling that I really, really matter. This is what I do myself as well and for us that comes so naturally. What I seriously hate is when I see someone looking at his/her partner to catch him/her doing it and waiting to see him/her crossing some kind of line. I really hope that these looks won’t equal lust for someone else or you feeling ugly in your mind. Why would you think that?! Don’t you have enough self worth? Or hasn’t your partner build up enough credits to get past this moment? You are shopping for a solid 2 hours, the glance is for a..what… 30-60 seconds combined…would that really have such an impact on you? It’s all about you and your insecurities. Don’t worry to retaliate, I’m just stating how I see it. My opinion, so I hope you can somehow respect that and reply to make it constructive. Now, for me personally, what I don’t like is when people go out of their way to stare or glance at someone while you’re in a conversation. That I would label that as very rude. But even during a conversation it is perfectly okay to look at other people walking by, as long as you focus on your conversation partner. As a man, there are a lot of differences in the way that we conversate that also rubs women the wrong way, for instance men talking while watching her breasts, shoulders, hair, anything besides her eyes. It makes them feel that something’s wrong with them (not our problem, but something that should be dealt with) While on the other hand women tend to watch your clothes, hair, chest, surroundings, next to our eyes. I haven’t met ANY woman who could justify the ‘hello, I’m up here!’ remark, first because I won’t let them (if i’m talking, I really try to be very observive and getting into the conversation), secondly because it is what is: glancing, skimming. Nothing wrong with that as they are just parts of you. My advice for men, don’t be so mysterious about it! The moment you tell your partner
    that you haven’t done anything, that’s the moment she will start to look for even more clues and situations!! If you can find that balance between your beautiful partner and watching others, then this is the best you can do. I can easily point out to my wife: ‘damn, he looks awesome o.O ‘ and with that I acknowledge beauty, no need to hide it from her because of the fear that she might feel second placed. If I can say this about men, then it’s also more than okay to say it about women. In both examples I would think that common sense should be the source of all comments, but hey, that’s just me 🙂 She admitted that she always sees fine looking men walking around but didn’t want to say anything because of fear for discussions. Well, I’m not that type of guy (so this entire story I wrote is also for the insecure men outthere), so I only love how can share these type of things without getting so emotional about it. Got a bit sidetracked, but I hope I somehow could make my point. You are all worth to be with an awesome and respectful partner, but don’t try to change someone else when a lot can be change in the way you feel about yourself.

  40. I’m an older man. I’ve been single all my life. I am therefore free to look at any attractive woman and I do.
    But here’s an observation for you to consider…
    I said, I look at any attractive woman – even if they are with a male partner. (With care of course, in considering how he might take it) I can assure you many women look and do so even with a partner, but only at a time when that male partner doesn’t see her do it. I don’t think they are flirting so much as, sharing the joy of being. I certainly don’t take their look as an invitation to ‘come on’ to them etc.

    Let’s all enjoy the absolute pleasure of existence, in what is a wonderful physical reality. Sexual attraction is embedded in our nature.

    I see it as an innate characteristic that men find females attractive – not just in the sense of desiring physical intimacy with them, but simply as a response to the beauty and attractiveness they possess. I’ve always presumed that females also appreciate attractive men. Not just in physical terms either, but

    • Michael, so easy to live in your man gazing perspective. Not the same world women have to live in where they are objectified from birth just because of their gender. Lets talk when men and women are treated equally. Otherwise, your comment is full of ignorance.

    • All this is so familiar. I’ve just had another argument with my husband who is 64. He’s gone from having affairs, hitting on my friends and strangers just for the thrill and then denying he was doing anything wrong. I’ve ignored him, thrown things at him, I’ve moved out, he’s moved out, etc. Last year he finally admitted he’s had a sex addiction since he was young that included viewing pornography and acting out. He’s in therapy now and in a sex addict support group. He’s trying but he’s so pathetic and I currently loathe him. However, we have a standing in our community; a large, lovely family with 9 grandchildren who haven’t a clue and would be crushed to know this about him; not to mention that I don’t have any means of financial support right now other than him and an inheritance that I would lose if we divorced. I suspect that men who love looking at the ladies have some problems that go very deep. He swears that I’m the one who blows things out of proportion. I don’t believe that he’s actively involved with anybody other than in his mind but he still gets those same thrills by looking and hopefully being seen. This is an absolute quagmire and I feel that I’m on the verge of blowing his cover.

  41. Hi my husband stares at women eveyrtime in public he tells me he loves me an I’m the only one for him but he still looks 3 or 4 times at a girl. Really annoys me an I’ve told him to stop it he says it’s me making it up an he doesn’t Stare. I can’t leave him I have 2 kids an financially need him. Does this looking at other girls mean he will cheat on me? He tells me he will never cheat but it starting to annoy me. I am happy with the way I look what should u do?

  42. I just don’t know what to do I’ve told him to stop it but he still does it an ends up getting mad at me for telling him to stop it says he not looking. It’s the only thing he does which annoys me but makes me not trust him an wonder what he does when I’m not around. ..

    • Ayesha, Yep, nuff said.
      Boils down to men choosing to be selfish or self controlled. Whether it’s a cultures standards or religion, objectifying women is wrong. At some level, men need to take ownership over their actions and thoughts. But, without immediate accountability, they do what they desire. Religion holds them to no accountability in this life, only women subject to men in religion. They have account to no one really when wer’re honest.

  43. This just a poem I wrote about men who stare, It’s called when you look at a stranger.

    When you look at a stranger
    (To you wife and kids)

    When you look…
    You’re telling me, I’m not good enough
    I’m a beautiful woman many told me, and I know in my heart I am
    When you look…
    You SECRETTLY want to have sex with this woman, but you don’t want me to know that.
    When you look
    You’re telling me, a normal girl with a mini skirt is more attractive than a beautiful woman in a dress.
    When you look…
    A woman’s’ ego is boasted knowing she stole a married mans attention, even though his wife is possibly much prettier then herself.
    When you look…
    A woman walks away laughing in her mind, she knows you check her. She’s not that stupid,

    When you look…
    Your wife’s heart is broken; your sons learn the actions of betrayal to their future wives vanity.
    Your daughters learn that the less she wears the more attention she’ll get by degrading herself.

    When you look ….
    You begin to lose respect from those who thought you had everything in control.
    Your kids see you as fool to any women in a short dress or false beauty.
    When you look…
    You don’t even know her, is she self center, a criminal, a bigot, or just plan out fake. You have a prize sitting next to you….. but you still look.
    When you look…
    You tell us all you rather get off watching a stranger you don’t even know. You never looked at the guy twice or kept staring at him. What makes her so special?

    When you look…
    My love for you fades…. Even more the more you do, until it’s all gone… because you wanted to look at a stranger who just walks off with nothing to offer you, but a fight with your wife and the end of a relationship……


  44. I find it very insulting. My husband is one of the worst when it comes to staring at women. I’ve said something about it on many occasions, not in a nasty way and not yelling. But it doesn’t seem to help just makes it worse. One day a young woman he was ogling, realised I was annoyed and had she had the nerve to say to me “oh jealousy is sooo out!” Wanted to punch her in the face. Didn’t. What would come of it? So I Just walked away. My husband is much older than I am, and I often wonder how he’d handle a taste of his own medicine.I’m tempted, but then I’d be lowering myself to his level. But maybe that’s just what he needs.

    • Elly, don’t settle. It’s a sad fact, but men have been able to get away with gazing at other women because our culture condones it. Won have relied on men to be the bread winners and have had to sacriifice dignity and self respect for the sake of the family. We women will always sacrifice. It’s in our nature. But now that we work and are more self sufficient these obvious double standards stand out. Not to be crass, but once men are no longer needed for sperm donors and we see them for the men they truly are, it’s hard to pretend certain behaviors are acceptable. They are either men of integrity or not. It’s pretty black or white. Women are smart and see truth when we can finally put ourselves first. Usually it’s when the kids are grown up. Then we are stuck financially and give up self respect. Not so much anymore, women are forced to work these days and are seeing the double standards, hard to ignore it anymore.

  45. I know this is an old thread but WOW! What an eye opener! My man & I met a bit over two years ago & are now engaged. We are both in our late 50’s. In the beginning, I either didn’t notice him ogling women…all women…or chose to ignore it. Then I started noticing how much he checked out women at the grocery store, or ANYwhere else for that matter. But the particular incident that started it all was when i saw him make eye contact with the woman he was looking at & then saw her gaze go from him to me (he’s a good looking man & we both look years younger than our actual age). I brought it to his attention & told him it was not only disrespectful to me but also to the object of his staring. I know he loves me & tells me I’m the love of his life & that we are soulmates…..blah, blah, blah. I truly feel as if it’s all lip service at this point. I’ve emailed him articles on the subject, brought it up every single time it happens but have lately started to dislike him & I definitely dread going ANYwhere with him. I’ve been married & had several relationships and this has NEVER been a problem or issue. Do I want to move forward with this man? I’ve begun to question that almost daily. Things are wonderful at home but if he can’t respect me when we are out in public (or in the car where he now just moves his eyes to check women out), then what’s the point?
    It is N O T normal man behavior & it is not acceptable when it’s been brought out many times that I don’t like it. So, he now constantly denies that he’s looking at anyone or tells me I’m imagining things (I’m not!).
    I really can’t offer advice on this issue because I haven’t been able to get through to him. My only other option is to end things with him….that is probably going to happen sooner than later….and I’ve already told him “how ridiculous is it going to be that you destroyed this relationship over some ridiculous teenage behavior”. Sad, very sad.

    • I am 30 years old and my bf is 32. I am a natural blonde, green blues eyes and I workout. I do consider myself to be good looking and desirable. We’ve been together for almost 3 years now. I’ve begun to figure out that he is somewhat still very immature and doesn’t really understand the dynamics of a relationship. Whenever I confront him about when he looks or stares at women (going out of his way to make sure they cross paths, distracts me to look somewhere else while he turns around to look, or gives a long up and down look at a half naked sexual posed woman with sex eyes on a Lakers bus), he denies it, gets angry and doesn’t talk to me. I have tried so many times to explain to him how it makes me feel sad. Not jealous, just sad and that it’s also disrespectful. I’m starting to feel as if he views our relationship as a mother son relationship. He seems to think that I tell him what to do and either he obeys or doesn’t. It’s such a fu*ked up dynamic. He still doesn’t understand that our relationship is mutual and what we do affects each other and we are both on the same level and should have expectations of each other to a certain degree and communicate. He acts like I’m his mother telling him what to do. Once I was with him, I did not have any desire to look at any other men. I love him very much, but his immaturity has gotten to much. I thought the shock of a naked women or boob crack in a shirt would have lost its surprise in a 32 yr old man, but I guess not this one. Obviously it’ will always have an appeal, but that’s why you get in a relationship. It honestly doesn’t matter if it’s a Lakers bus with a sexual woman and her ass and boobs hanging out. It’s the fact that he feels like he still needs to do it. That he doesn’t have enough respect to think “I’ve got a beautiful woman, I don’t need to stare at that”, and leave it alone. I’ve read some other comments on here that say that “he doesn’t love you anymore” or “you don’t have what he wants” and “your relationship is over.” I don’t want to believe it, but I can’t marry someone who continues to do this to me. It causes me to feel horrible. I’ve dated a few men and I KNOW that not all men do this. I think my bf just has some issues or is still very immature. anyone have any thoughts? I won’t accept that it is just in his nature. Complete BS. It’s in my nature to do the same. Find a nice man and have sex and make babies. I thought I found it so I stopped looking at other men. If you’re a man and posting on here like it’s okay…stop and think for a sec…hmm, there’s a reason why there is so many women who leave their bfs and husbands for this..

    • I have encountered the same with my wife, stares and desires eye contact with guys wherever we go, then denies it all. Very hard to deal with, hope you are doing better.


  46. i’m in the same boat here. With a man that claims to love me. That I’m his soulmate. I feel the same way about him. He’s great affectionate loving caring thoughtful and a great lover. Problem is his eyes when we are out. I don’t know how to make him understand how undesirable it makes me feel that he constantly is checking out every ass in the area. How can he tell me that I’m the only one he wants and that he loves every inch of my body and doesn’t want anyone else ever but he’s always looking and staring and turning his head to watch one walk away. It makes me feel like I have the lowest self esteem. And when I talk to him about it to tell him of my feelings he shoots it down saying maybe we should never leave the house. That I make him feel bad I have to keep pointing this out or even tries to make me the bad guy and him feel like the victim. It’s so frustrating.

  47. Heres to all the women, if your man, boyfriend or husband looks, stares or gawks at other women in your presents. It simply means that your relationship is over!!! Its time to get rid of them. Why put up with it? Why hurt yourselves over it. They are not worth it. Good luck!!

  48. To the men on here (Steve/Mike) who feel women should just accept the behavior and our beauty. For me, it’s not about my man looking at a body part below the chin but when a guy ESTABLISHES CHEMISTRY (eye flirts/eye sex)with another women in my presence. That’s a whole other ballgame. I remember when Sammy Davis Jr first met Altovise and told her, ‘I’m gonna be hanging out with Frank on road trips and have sex with other women – Altovise agreed to accept that. In an ideal world/situation, everyone should have the Option to accept/reject your value system.

  49. My husband always checks out other women no matter where we are. Even whe we are having dinner for our anniversary. Every time I try and bring the subject up, he gets VERY angry and tells me “your crazy and you don’t know what your talking about!” This summer we went to the beach and he just kept checking out a young mother next to us. He said he was looking at her toddler. However whe she would leve the child with her husband, my husbznds eyes continued to follow the woman. I am not that dumb. He even took her picture with the child, saying he wanted a picture of the toddler. I tlod him it is innappropriate to take pictures of others especially children without permission. I can’ begin to describe how mad he was at me. To say the least I was miserable for the entire trip. Sad in Missouri

  50. Hey Jason -40 – I know this comment is a little late but as much as Paul Newman was a great guy most of his life, he did cheat on his first wife with Joanne Woodward. So that comment that he was attributed to rings a little shallow. Men who cheat have no room to talk about fidelity.

  51. I ended it after three years of this very type of disrespect. He bought me a brand new kitchen, I designed and picked everything to my liking, and in his mind I didn’t appreciate him. Do you really think I would have chose to leave my dream home on the bay, that he and I built over two years together, with very little outside help? I refused to be told I was making up that he was always blatantly ogling 20 something’s every where we went. It was too much to endure. I didn’t even want to go shopping with him anymore. I went from feeling jealous, to actually feeling embarrassed, stupid and disgusted that he’d just stare, and turn into a complete bobble head around girls his own daughters age. I just couldn’t do it any more, it was making me think there was something wrong with me. I don’t day dream about someone just barely 1/3 my age. It’s really disrespectful, and a little creepy. I was really glad to read I am not the only one being told I was fabricating it all in my head. He was bent on convincing me it was all in my head. I actually still miss him to some degree, but I knew it wasn’t healthy for me to always feel so disrespected. Trudging on…

  52. I notice what’s missing from many posts on this subject is WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT. Things to do if ignoring the behavior is not option for you: (1) Work on changing your behavior, not his, this could include: Doing the same thing he does – eyeballing other men in his presence (& then deny it saying “OMG you’re imagining things;) or not going back to place with him that behavior occurred, letting him know why you’re not going; or (2) let him know his behavior is a deal breaker if it continues, and so STOP dating or break engagement if it continues over time. I’m in a 12 year marriage that’s IDEAL in every aspect, except this one thing. So can’t agree with Ying to just end it, rather plan to show him this thread and work on changing my behavior.

  53. Newlywed here. 6 months and all of a sudden my dearest is breaking his sweet little neck to check out the short shorts. For months I told him how I felt, talked with other wives and I heard it all from its natural to don’t let it bother you. He said he couldn’t help it and yet somehow I could. So I wondered if I married a monkey, and tried to tell him to be discrete and blah blah blah. So one day I came up with the solution. I went to my dear sweet husband and told him that I understand that this is a natural reaction but I have to believe you receive some pleasure from this act right? So….I just have to connect pleasure to this as well. So I decided that every time you do it I’m gonna withdraw $25 from your account and buy a pair if shoes. 🙂 and if it’s a really big look then I’ll take more and buy a dress! Yay happy me because NOW I’ve connected pleasure from you looking at other woman. CHA CHING! So how did it work? Well miraculously he’s been healed he immediately turns the other way if he senses a pretty girl in the room. It’s fun to watch too. So ladies take control of your men. They will we better for it. Happy wife happy life.

    • Bettie, I absolutely LOVE your post/suggestion and think it’s way better than my ideas as my ideas give me no pleasure. Since my husband is an Excellent provider and anal about money, this would work great on him and I would get pleasure out of it – gonna be Fun. I really think everyone on here should try your suggestion and then mine if nothing is changing.

  54. I have to confess that I don’t know what to do about my issue. Truth be told, I question myself as to why it does bother me and at times it makes me angry that it does. My husband and I have been together for over twenty years. I don’t think I’m being conceited by saying that I am an attractive woman who is in her forties, and I look much younger. For years my husband has been insecure about himself one of the reasons being is that he has put on a lot of weight. Truth be told he would be considered obese. He has done things in the past to deliberately hurt me after I have tried to keep the sexual part of our relationship alive but nothing I did worked. He barely showers and does not think he smells bad, he is sloppy, teeth covered in plaque and to be honest, our sex life now is pretty non existent. Because of the amount of weight he has gained, lets just say that I’m not being fulfilled because he can’t “reach”, if you know what I mean. He calls himself a slob but does not do anything to make himself look better or at least TRY to lose weight, saying he loves food too much and blames me for it by saying that if I was not such a good cook he would not eat so much. He also says that he started eating more and more after our sex life seemed to be over. I’m sorry, but I cannot have sex with a man who stinks and I made that very clear.

    Anyway, over the years he has done things to hurt me and in the process, my desire for him sexually is gone (which the lack of good hygiene helped to contribute to that). He repulses me, disgusts me and makes it hard for me to want to be around him when he is stinking. I go along with him on his job each week to help him out and sometimes the smelly aroma causes me to spray perfume on my upper body while in the car to try to mask his order. At home I burn incense or spray scented spray around the house.

    So having said all this, I don’t understand why it bothers me so much when he looks at other women. Now guys, before you go defending yourselves with commenting on how men are wired differently, tell me that you think this is right or wrong; when my husband and I are out together, he does look at other women. But he does not just look, he turns his head, looks at them through the rear view mirror or the driver side mirror as they are walking past. If we are in the grocery store shopping, he will look and pretend he is looking at something else so he can check out their behinds. I am black and my husband is white and he has a thing especially for “thick” black women and constantly checks out their behinds. I’ve caught him on more than one occasion, I’ve even caught him one time looking at my sons’ girlfriend behind. We were fixing my sons’ bed and my husband was standing behind us. I turned real quick and caught him before he could move his eyes away. When I confronted him about it which I did a few minutes later, he denied it saying that what kind of man would he be to be staring at his son’s girlfriend. Then he accused me of starting an argument so I just let it go, but never forgot it. I did however let my son know and ever since then he has never brought another girl home to meet us which I am just fine with.

    But to the point of this thread; what am I supposed to do with this??? Last night I asked my husband if he could show me some respect and not be so obvious with his looking, and he gave me the same crappy excuse about men being wired to look, and that when he was growing up he heard his mother say to his dad, “you can look but don’t touch.” Yeah, right. I asked him if it would bother him if he saw me looking at other men and he said that no it would not. He said he can’t understand why I’m making such a big deal out of it when he sees constantly men and women checking me out, that nobody is looking at him and if anybody should be jealous or insecure it should be him.

    He also goes online to look at wrestling babes past and present especially those that have done porn. Youtube has become a thing for him now as he thinks he can find videos of these wrestling babes with each other kissing or lesbian love. He feels that it is “safe” to go on youtube and surf because it is not a porn site. He knows he needs to improve himself in many ways but rather that do that, he gets his rocks off my looking at other women. Fine, look, but IS IT NOT DISRESPECTFUL to do it when I am with him??? I tried the “I will deliberately look at other men in front of him as he does with other women in front of me” approach and it just does not seem to get to him. So…now what?

    Am I perfect? No, far from it, but I try to be sensitive to him especially knowing that he has turned into this extremely overweight man who does not care about personal hygiene (this has been this way with him for over 15 years) and although he says he will try anything to get his “groove” back in line so that we can enjoy sex again, he is doing nothing about it. Am I worried that he is having sex with other women? No, that is not my concern, because he has never been a “big or medium sized” man to begin with if you know what I mean, and now especially with his belly being so big that he cannot “engage” in that manner with me, what makes me feel that he can with another? He would get laughed at if he tried, and we women (those of us that are not gay), like penetration, not foreplay and then nothing at all. It would leave us feeling very frustrated and empty, needing more but unable to get it.

    Bottom line, I think what he does is very disrespectful to me and I have no idea what to do about it.

  55. I am hurt when my husband looks, stars, and smiles at other women. Married two years now and I have always noticed it, but not so much when we were dating. It makes me feel rejected, even though I am a very attractive woman. He is very loving with me, but when we are out and there are other attractive women he is distracted. I have even tried to block his view of a woman that he is starring at and he notices what I am doing. How do you like that!? I have talked to him about looking and starring at other women and how it makes me feel bad. I agree with what another woman said about when he looks at another woman that woman is his and that means that he is not yours anymore-at least for the moment or minutes that he is occupied by this other woman. I could never be the other woman. !!! It really upsets me. He has gone as far as to say I am jealous. I try to put this out of my mind but then I am reminded when it happens again. We end up in fights and both feeling bad. I also agree with what someone had said that it is disrespectful. For that matter even a guy said that it is disrespectful to stare at another women. I am thinking maybe counseling would help, but someone mentioned that the man does not change his behavior. I think it is disrespectful and inconsiderate to the wife or girlfriend when a man is giving time and attention to another woman. I don’t want to waste my time or ruin my evening with a man that is so inconsiderate…this may ruin our marriage. !!! I will not live the rest of my life feeling rejected or not as pretty as someone else my husband would rather look at even when he knows it bothers me.!! How rude!!! He is a lucky man to have me love him. However, this ruins our love-I want his attention-I am giving my time with him
    to experience his time thinking and looking at someone else.!

    • I’m sorry to here of you problem with your guy, but fully understand as my wife does the exact same thing. We both are very attractive and fit, so we get quite a few looks but she desires more, she is constantly staring and looking for non stop eye contact when we go out. If you bring it up she totally denies it all, and tells me I am imagining it. It makes going out very uncomfortable, and embarrassing to know the other guys thinks he can have your wife. This is so disrespectful , how can you have any trust when this goes on. I wish there was an answer, but can’t say there is, doing it back is one thing I have not tried, and it is not me to do that, so we will see. Anyway, had to respond, wish you the best. Let me know if you figure a way to cure this.


  56. I made the mistake and I didn’t confront my bf right away now we are texting in anger. NOT GOOD! He didn’t always stare-in my presents but Leyla he has done it more and more now when I mentioned it to him tonight he denied it and got angry for being falsely accused. I should mention we are both in our late forty’s I feel by now he should have more respect for me but maybe my concern is not as unwarranted as men like to pretend it is.

  57. It was Hallowern last night and I was disgusted with this man in his 50s who randomly went up to this 20 year old blond dressed as a sexy cop in fishnet stockings. Crossing the street he had said “damnnnnn” quite
    loudly -shocking all- as we thought something was severely wrong. However, he approached the woman, stuck both wrists out and asked, “can you please arrest me?” There were kids all around trick or treating and it was so appalling!! Grow up, old timer!!!

    I feel like my bf looks but he claims he doesn’t. We would often get into arguments about this. Lately I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine by looking myself in front of him, even to the point where I turn and twist my body. Mind you the guys I do this to is whoever I can find. They don”t have to be attractive at all but boy did it make my bf angry. Hopefully this teaches him a lesson. If not, maybe I can just cave to my “natural instincts,” disrespect him, and ogle sexy men. Trust me, if you ladies let your guard down, you will find tons of men much better than your significant other. The men in our lives don’t get this. They can stare and look all they want and get nowhere. Us ladies can stare and look all we want and actually get laid.

  58. My bf never stared our first year… now he makes eye contact with any remotely attractive woman around, usually younger too. He is 48, I am 46 aND look great, am in shape. I lost it last night, we had a great weekend and then go out to get ingredients to make a curry and bam… a young woman in front of us in line is looking back at him and he at her 🙁 I finally told him this is going to be the reason our relationship ends and he said that he is a man, and he loves women (by the way, he has a hard time telling me he loves me)… then he said ‘what do you want, to cut off my balls?.. sigh, he then called me a loser several times, he had a lot to drink so he got nasty.

    The clencher? He couldn’t sleep all night, so obviously his conscience got the best of him. He was really tired for work today, so yah… I wrote on paper how it makes me feel and he read it when he got up this morning.

    Like you all say, he can be so amazing and the man of my dreams, then this? I actually think he MAy do it out of revenge. I am a very attractive woman, and have guy friends and most of the men at the local we go to really like me, but I am not a flirt at all. And I never oogle guys, though I notice when they are trying to ogle me. And my male friends respect me and know my bf.

    I dunno, I just wish we could go out and have the same normal time we have at home. We both love cooking together and listening to music. We have a great sex life too. As it is, I don’t watch to go in public with him anymore, and that really sucks because it is a good friend’s 50th bay party next week, and now I don’t want to go at all. Or I don’t want to go with him because I know he will ruin the night for me.

  59. My husband and I have been married for seven years and we have a five year old son. Eversince I met him he always have a light flirty attitude towards women and he loves to glance at any lady who have an attractive face/ figure especially if she’s wearing something sexy. During the first few years of our relationship and marriage, I do not mind these behavior of his because I know it is his usual behavior and I don’t like to control how he should act or feel. I would even help him find his target in a crowd. However now that I’m in my thirties, feeling a little unfabulous than my younger self, I could feel jealousy spring forth from within me whenever I see his flirty messages with his female acquaintances or when he is eyeing a younger woman that passed by. It makes me feel ugly and unwanted. Please note that he is a wonderful husband to me and a great provider. However he is working in a different country and the distance adds to my worry and insecurity. He’ll be there for a year, free to flirt with any woman without me knowing. He even admitted that some women he meets in clubs are giving him their numbers just after flirting with them jokingly.I always appreciate his honesty so I never get mad at him when he tells me these things though in truth I feel hurt. This is to prevent him from being secretive though I also feel he is not telling me the whole story. Although I trust my husband, I’m worried that his behavior of glancing and flirting would sooner or later reel in some woman who would be able to tempt him to have an affair. But I am also thinking that the reason I feel this way is because I don’t feel good about myself anymore because of my age and because I gained some weight. So right now my priority is to put myself back on track so that I’ll be able to love myself more and hopefully that’ll push away my insecurities in our relationship.

  60. It’s not you, it’s him. Cheaters gonna cheat, oogling pervs are going to oogle. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you look like, if he is determined to stare down a pretty woman, he’s going to do it. Beauty is not a talisman against a man cheating or staring. They crave variety

  61. I loved this thread, it made me realize how instinctively right I was when I knew my boyfriend looking at other women was just not right. I feel as if the action is like him putting other women in front of me, even just for a second. Now I have better words to explain why this action wrong; that men have grown up and learned to think they have the right to do so, which is not the case.

    Although I didn’t have an argument for “its a genetic thing” argument, I have gotten my boyfriend to stop this behavior. The breaking point was when I caught him staring at another woman’s a**, he didnt even care to see her face, just went right to the A.

    When I told him I caught him, he denied it, but we sat and finished our drinks in silence and then went home in silence. Back at home, he finally got the courage to apologize and to tell me that he did in fact look, and he didnt know why he did it. He then started to cry, and told me he felt ashamed because he didnt want to be that stereotypical “pig” of a guy. At first, I thought he was faking the tears in order to be relieved of any arguments, but it was real.

    Before this day, I’ve told him it bothered me and it hurt me when he would look at other girls, even though he denied it, and I told him how I wouldn’t want my kids to see their father doing this type of behavior.
    But I think this night really changed him; it’s been months since that day and he tells me it’s easier to not look anymore, it has become more natural and less forceful. He tells me he wouldnt mind if I looked at other men, he told me to him, it’s different when women look at men vs when men look at women, so he says turning the table argument doesnt work on him, (hey,proves the point that men can be animals when it comes to women and sexuality)but he says his main motivation to stop is because he knows it hurts me.

    So to all the ladies out there, if you feel like you don’t want to put up with this type of behavior, dont! Only you can define what you deserve in life and relationships, even if people tell you it’s not “practical” or whatever, it doesnt matter anyway because each relationship is different, no two relationships are the same, so why can’t ground rules be any different?
    I promise you, there are guys out there who will respect you and your feelings, you just have to stand up for yourself first!

  62. I disagree when people say “he looks at other women because he doesnt love you.”

    He looks because he is already used to looking. He has been looking for years. He is the Jedi Master Yoda of looking. No one ever said NO.

    On the other hand, he doesnt love you if he is unwilling to change his behavior for you.

  63. I caught my man glancing down a woman’s body yesterday–you know the type, blond, tight black pants, high heeled tall black boots. I saw him notice her face but what hurt more is that he took the “stroll down her body”. I was pissed, yes. She was in the check stand next to us so I whispered, there she is, get another look while you can ,dear. Am I insecure. Yes. I admit it I’m so strong in so many areas but this isn’t one of them. I’m curvy, I’d love to be a size 2 instead of a size 8 but only because society tells us we need to be and then we have this reinforced in our brains but a partner who checks out a woman of “that” size.

    It hurts men. The moment my partner looks I feel crushed and I feel like a part of me dies inside. I feel like I have to “compete” with these little 20 yr old somethings and I am 40 something. I’ve had 4 kids. I can still rock a bikini but only because I refuse to be told I can’t because I have stretch marks. He is insecure too…that’s what kills me. If I looked at some bo-hunk with 6 pack abs etc he’d be hurt too.

    He says all men who aren’t gay do it. It’s not to be disrespectful but the “inner dog” subconsciously does it and then logical brain kicks in and says “cut it out, you love this woman” but in that moment between the dog looking and the brain telling him to look away he’s looked and my heart feels like he’s stabbed it again. My exH of 12 years cheated on me, constantly checked out women in front of me, and it crushed me. A year later the pain is still real and although I rarely ever mention the hurt to my partner when he does looks, yesterday I couldn’t hold it in. It was right in front of me. I don’t care if it was a quick scan down her body it bloody hurt.

    I think I understand why women become cold…you can only take your heart being broken so long and you have to protect it. I realize men look. But dammit, I am human too with a very high sex drive for a woman and I DO NOT disrespect my partner like this. If I see a good looking man when I’m with him I focus on my partner, to build his self esteem and let everyone know I am proud he’s mine. I guess it’s asking too much for the same treatment?

  64. Interesting how very much women still feel our self esteem relies on the men we love….don’t like it, but have felt it myself. I think a porn tolerance and addiction has changed our world quite a bit, along with the smartphone era. It’s quite sad, because where in the past, a man who went to a nudie bar too often or an adult video store would get labelled a “weirdo” or “pervert”, now it’s just normal. I grew up in a real Christian home, never saw any pornography growing up, my dad did not have any. My mom has always been independent, but it was a traditional home. I miss those days. My dad even has openly told me he thinks most men now are players….my dad!! Well, that tells you something. Loose men, loose women, loose morals…welcome to the new America.

  65. I agree Amanda.The new America.I have wondered did the looking at other women bother me because of low self esteem,pride etc.I have even prayed about it.Because if I am the problem I would fix it.But I don’t think it is us women.Men do it because they can.They tell each other they are men and women are just crazy and jealous.I had a older man say they do it out of a habit that started as teenagers.He said men should look quickly one time get their eyes full and move on.He also said men who go around staring at women act like fools and run off the woman they have.So true.
    It sucks not being able to go anywhere from out to eat to a freaking family reunion without them making us look like fools.
    We have been married 30 years and it seems it gets worse.Why are they even with us? Why not be single and go sit at the mall and stare all they want.Marriage is not suppose to make you so miserable.We are in our early 50’s.I can’t even stand the thought of dealing with this stupid bs the rest of my life.I did suggest when we go to walmart he can take half the list and we can go our separate ways and check out the hotties and compare notes when we got home.He didn’t seem to like that plan.The only thing I know to do is just go everywhere by myself when possible.I guess I could just go shop and spend every dime we have and cry its because I am a woman. I can’t help but love to shop.
    I remember when I was young and had men staring at me when they were with their wife’s.I felt so bad for their wife’s and wondered why they didn’t leave them at home.I vowed I would never take a man like that anywhere with me.
    Every wonder why Adam was the one who is blamed for Eve eating the apple? Because men are called to take care of their wives mental,psychical,and emotional well being.
    Men one day you will stand before Almighty God and have to answer to the fact that you made the choice to whore monger over the wife that God entrusted you to take care of.Telling him he made you that way is not going to work with him. You can tell the world that but we know and you know its not true.
    Sorry to be rattling on but it is so freaking sad that so much misery is going on because men want to act like men without being men.

  66. For all the women out there who have men that struggle with looking please tell them to read every man’s battle. It will help.

  67. Please, please, ladies-
    Don’t become so desperate to keep your man’s focus that you start resorting to boob jobs or any other cosmetic surgery! Please! These procedures are actually mutilating and you will NEVER be the same again. You can never go back to the way you were naturally. Not to mention VERY expensive and painful. It’s never over, either. Anything man-made will wear out and fail after a while so you’ll need a whole new boob job when the implants start leaking and sooner or later they will. And after all that expensive suffering you will STILL find that when you look up from your salad you will, once again, catch him looking past your shoulder at some blonde sitting at the bar. You could look like Sophia Vergara and he would still gawk and stare. He already has you, and these guys always want to squire something they don’t have. Yet. That’s why they stare at other women. Trust me, if they stare like that- they’ll cheat. My ex-wife left me for a guy like that and now that’s what she’s having to deal with. And, yes, she’s considering a boob job. Pity. And I’m better looking than he is, I never gawked or cheated on her and gave her my whole heart and all my love, and money. She is so very beautiful but she wrecked her life and is now wanting to wreck her body for this cretin.

  68. Ladies ive been going through the same thing with my husband and to be honest its very tiresome! Hell ive given up ive tried talking to him about it he just plays the victim
    ..but i can say that the saying”two can play that game”,is sooo effective lol..Ladies sometimes we try to be too right, too perfect, too nice, too pretty and a bunch of other impossible tricks…Give it up let your hair down and give him a dose of his own medicine and see how he likes it…have fun ladies!!!! Oh and apologize and play dumb like they do…and if he gets real mad go ahead and tell him “you do it,so i thought it was ok”!!!

  69. My fiancé and I have been together for 11 years. When we are seated at the bar for meals, 90% of the time, he catches the eye of a woman. I realize it after one drink, when getting comfortable. His body position changes. He gets closer to me, with one eye on me and one eye on “her”. He orders another drink to stay longer. I catch on, turn to the direction he is focused on. Sure enough, her body language will be almost writhing and posing, even when “she” is with her date. Sometimes, I will turn around and the women are almost on top of me. I get so sad and ask if we can leave. But, his drink is full and I really don’t know how to sit or act or have conversation. Lately, when I see a potential victim for him, I try to position the way we are seated, to avoid the eye flirting, one more night. We are to be married soon. He will deny my assessments. I am very very sad. After reading all these threads. I feel even worse. Perhaps it is better to be alone.

  70. My husband and i have been married for less than two years. We both are in our early 50’s. Being my second marriage and believing with all of my heart that God brought us together, i was extremely confident that i would not allow any old baggage from my past creep up into our new lives together. By him, my new husband has made me feel that i was the most loved and beautiful woman on the planet. My confidence WAS at an all time high. Recently, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I am presently having to take medications and am in the process of testing for a complete diagnosis in order to receive proper treatment. Long story short, my emotions have been on edge, i’m very fatigued and have put on weight. I’m not happy about this at all but believe once i’m properly treated and have time to heal, my body will go back to normal.
    Now going back to my first marriage, my ex-husband had an affair which in turn broke my heart and my confidence. I had 8 & 1/2 years to heal from that bad experience. I believe my new husband would never think of doing such a thing but, given the right situation and being human living in a world full of sin, I believe in a time of weakness, anyone can fall. Its sickening that marriages die everyday due to infidelity.
    I do love trust and respect my new husband with all that is in me. We have had a few misunderstandings here and there but so far, never anything that we couldn’t work out. With that being said, I see that i’m wrong. I have seen him not only look, glance but actually gawk at other attractive women. We were told at a marriage seminar how a woman feels when here husband looks and continues to stare at other women. It was an eye opener for him to get a taste of what it feels like to have the shoe on the other foot. I don’t expect him to walk around with blinders on, but I hate that I allow myself to feel pain and insecurities over this. I desperately wish that i had a way to overcome this problem. I tried telling myself that i was just over sensitive because of what happened in my past and its not fair for my new husband to put up with my insecurities. But, today… Today, i was having an infusion at the hospital with my sweet husband sitting right by my side. Yes, so supportive right??? I had already reached the point of tears before he noticed that i watched him just GAWKING at a sweet pretty young nurse. Not just a glance, but a very intense drawn out stare.
    I was telling him something and he was looking straight at her. I stopped talking mid-sentence as i watched him just gaze at her. It was not just once, it was EVERY SINGLE time she came in and out of the room. If she was in viewing distance, he didn’t take his eyes off of her. He was at ATTENTION when she was in the room. Once we left, I thought it through & tried gently to remind him of how that made me feel. I didn’t want to make him mad or sound accusing but he did nothing but blow up at me! He shouted at me in the restaurant where we ate lunch denying looking at anyone and told me i had ruined his day! I immediately apologized and asked him to forgive me. He said any man would want to look and stare at other women when asked not to look! He said he goes out of his way not to look and looks at the floor! I quit talking and thought,” How stupid does he think i am?” That nurse sure didn’t look like a floor to me. I don’t blame her one bit. She was not in any way flirtatious, just pleasant as she could be. I even was worried about him making her uncomfortable by his staring. It was quite embarrassment.
    I love him and want to be with him as long as it’s God’s will. I’m at a loss for knowing the best way to handle my pain. He always wants me in a good mood, smiling and happy but how can i be in that frame of mind when I am seeing his eyes wander so much? It hurts me so bad that i wish i could push a button to completely turn off my feelings. I have even thought, “how and why did i let myself fall in love?”

    • Lisa, I empathize with you as many of us on here get that same reaction from the men — blowing up, etc. I printed out several of the comments on here and highlighted in green the blow ups, accusatory & victim responses & put in bold the similar situations & SHOWED TO MY HUSBAND -this helped. It made him see that the blow up is a sham since this is what SO MANY men do!!


    there is an old saying









  73. I have the same issue as a lot of you ladies. Fiancé in love with me he pays for everything and treats me amazingly but…stares at other women. Here’s my take! If you feel like it’s getting to the point of disrespect and he’s staring at another woman tell him. If he doesn’t say sorry for hurting your feelings or plays the victim then tell him it’s time for you to move along. Life is too short for your man to make you feel anything less than a queen. It’s your life take control of your happiness!!

  74. What about when he makes eye contact with another woman and smiles flirtatiously at her and she returns his flirtatious smile and he stops her to have a stupid conversation and ask her dumb questions that he already knows the answers to. What if he does this right in front of his wife and children?

  75. Ladies don’t think your man will outgrow this boorish behavior. I am 67 and recently engaged to a 72 year old widower. I started noticing the ogling behavior a few months ago and mentioned it to him. He is a good man in every other way, so I am trying to work through it, of course blaming my past bad relationships and insecurities for reacting this way. I also started noticing he would make an audible mm hmmm when a pretty, skimpily attired woman passed and that just set me off. He uses the same excuse as other men, that he’s not dead yet, etc. I told I’ve dated many men over the years and he’s by far the worst. Not just looking but staring and making eye contact. Also we belong to a gym and he goes to all the women’s yoga and Pilates classes and has many women friends. If I cannot get this problem resolved I don’t feel I can marry this man based upon some comments from other women who are married to long time gawkers. It makes me feel very insecure and can’t compete at my age. I have gotten where I don’t want to go out in public with him. Sad.

  76. Ok, this just happened to me today. We were sitting outside a diner waiting for our takeout, my back against the door, my husband facing the door. I didn’t see this attractive girl, early 20s I presume, came out wearing tight jeans, short tight top, looks attractive until she was passing by me but my husband saw first being the one facing the door, he actually turned and look back to continue looking at her.
    Normally I don’t usually even pay attention as it doesn’t bother me but when my husband turns his body around to look back that’s when my blood boils. We’ve been together for a total of 18 years and this is the second time that I feel disrespected.
    The first time we were still dating, went to a restaurant, waitress was bent over trying to get this brown sheet of paper to put on the tables,I didn’t know she was bent over behind me until I noticed my husband actually had his neck out to the side so I looked back and realized he was gawking at this girl bent over behind. I was so young then, so surprised, didn’t know what to say but obviously it bothered me that I still remember it after all these years. I don’t think I’m insecure or jealous and I firmly believe in” treating
    him with his own medicine” so next time we are in public I WILL look and make it obvious to him and I will add some comments too. Ha!

  77. Oh I’m so relieved to know that I’m not the only one feeling this way! I have been married for 22 years and his staring is out of control I’ve told him numerous times how I hate it and he continues ! It’s honestly made me fall out of love with him I feel like he’s creepy always staring and gawking at other woman I’m so torn I love my family but I want to be happy again with a man who can be happy just looking at me ! I don’t even want to go to dinner or parties with him because I know what he will do stare at the next female that walks into the room it just makes me feel bad!!!

  78. I got to that stage too. Don’t be afraid. Put it on the line and refuse to live with it anymore. Don’t ask him to change his behaviour but let him know that it isn’t going to be a part of your life. What have you got to lose?

    • I have the same problem and I been married for 22 years and it’s getting worse. My husband looks at every one especially young girls in their twenties or teenagers. The only advice I have is to seek counseling I am going to go to marriage counseling to see if that can help him, but my Mother always told me the same, you cannot change a leopard either leave him or we have to ignore it, it’s hard. I’m sorry but men don’t stop looking at woman no matter how good we look as Wife’s. They still look and smile and flirt and it’s sad. Be strong, and realize it’s not you it’s them.

  79. When I confronted my man about it he said he knows that I’m insecure about it so sometimes he crosses the street or changes direction to avoid looking… WHAT????
    I was so annoyed by the fact he has to resort to these tactics to stop himself from staring is ridiculous, he even told me once that he knows he wasn’t staring at a particular woman I mentioned as he didn’t find her attractive, like I should be grateful that he only looks at the ones he fancies, who all happen to be blonde and the complete opposite of how I look!.. I start the day feeling good about myself, then we go out somewhere and within an hour I feel completely s*** about myself, he doesn’t just look, he watches, turns back to look at her behind, it’s soul crushing and it’s wrong! As for what john said about men getting bored of looking at the same woman, that’s bull!!… I am 10 yrs younger than him, I have a good figure, I’m certainly not ugly… However he’s overweight, bald and yet hes constantly making me feel insecure and I’m the one who makes sure I don’t hurt his self esteem by glancing at other men!! It’s hurtful and senseless.. I am made to feel like a fool by the man I love with all my heart and these excuses just make me more angry! I keep it bottled up when I see it, try to rise above it but inside its painful and annoying.. If I on the other hand was to watch other men, he would raise the roof… It’s time men stopped window shopping and realised what they already have at home!! I don’t know how long I can deal with it, IV tried telling myself it’s my own insecurities and that I need to get over it but it’s not. When I dress up its to impress him, not other men so it kills me when he looks straight past me to ogle some other women… My mother told me that for every woman he looks at some other man’s looking at me, but I don’t care for their attention, otherwise I’d be single.. Fact is though every time my man catches other men looking at me it boils his blood… Funny that…

  80. My husband of 12 years (7children later) has recently (9months ago) been caught in (what I consider) an affair. They haven’t had actual intercourse, but touching, kissing, emotional ties etc took place. He has since admitted to several (previous to the most recent) full fledged affairs, COUNTLESS flirting partners in and out of the workplace, porn addiction, and intense infatuations (crushes) at work and frequently visited businesses such as gas stations, grocery stores etc. We started counseling 8 months ago. The female counselor seems to take pity on my husband claiming that “He’s a typical man! He can’t walk around blindfolded! These women now days are just walking around with everything hanging out, so it’s only natural that anyone would look! He’s being honest, and admitting to his glances (which he’s NOT! I basically confront him about them leaving him no room for denial) , so you know he’s not acting on his glances or thoughts…so what’s the problem!?!” Well?? I’m not “OK” with the “glances” which are more like stares that lead to fantasies, that lead to my bedroom or even worse…REALITY! I feel broken…insignificant…and unattractive. I wear a size 7 pants! I’m not a full figured female, yet when I’m around him I feel fat. I’m not unattractive, but around him I feel hideous. His friends and colleagues have expressed extreme envy of his luck in the wife department, so I know I’m not chopped liver. The women he looks at are every size, age, race etc. I could MAYBE understand him looking at a bombshell, or half naked…still disrespectful to me, but I get it. Now I’m feeling like I’m judgemental when I’m usually not! I just find myself comparing myself to these women he looks at, and I say “ok…she’s like 60+?!? I’m 37! She’s wrinkled!?! I’m not! Ok…she’s chubby with zits, glasses, COMPLETELY opposite of me and everything he’s claimed to find favor in!?! THIS woman is the epitome of what he claims as unattractive?!?” I just don’t understand. I KNOW I’m NOT the prettiest girl in the world, and please forgive me if I’ve offended anyone! It definitely wasn’t my intention! I’m just trying to make sense of his obsession with looking at any and literally ALL females! I have loved this man with every fiber of my being, and given myself to him with few limitations. Yet he can’t keep his eyes in his head. I don’t expect to be the prettiest in all the land. I just wanted to be enough for him, and possibly the prettiest in his land. It makes my heart hurt more knowing that he works with these women…two of which are under 24 and he’s 42!?!He has offered to get a new job, but he will lose his seniority in this company, take a huge cut in pay, and the problem will still be there. The only thing that will change is his selection in women. I truly believe that society has stripped away the sanctity of marriage, and made cheating more accesible. I also believe that when you are truly committed to a person you do whatever it takes to stay committed, and reflect your love and devotion through your actions AND words (not just words alone)!True love is effortless in my opinion. People always say “Marriage is hard work!” REALLY? Why do they believe this lie!?! It’s not, and it shouldn’t be! LOVE AND DEVOTION ARE EASY!! Do we have to remind ourselves “ok…SELF!! Now remember! Do NOT hurt your children today! Remember to buy them clothes and food first before you buy for the random kids at the playground! Remember! How would your kids feel if they knew that you loved that kid over there more, and thought that kid was prettier! Don’t hug your kids when you get home, and secretly wish it was your neighbor’s kid you were hugging instead!” I mean…seriously!?! THIS is what our world has come to!?! Excuses for unacceptable behavior and emotional abuse!?! I’m just appalled. I guess at the end of the day we have to pick and choose our battles. Once you get rid of this problem, you get with someone else, and take on an entirely new set of problems…maybe even worse than what you already have in front of you. Bottom line…know your boundaries…and choose accordingly. Yep…that’s marriage advice 101 from this messed up society…this is our sad REALITY. God help us all…xo

  81. Read Job 31:1 from the Bible. He made a choice not to look at another woman other than his wife. Thats awesome. What a man. So its a choice, ladies. Dont take any rubbish!

  82. I am married and my response to my husband when he oogles is to shout out “NEXT” to the next hot man who crosses my path. I do not own my man and I’ll be damned if he ever thinks he owns me. You teach people how to treat you. If you stay for something that turns you off, you are saying to that person it’s ok to continue doing what they are doing. Speak your mind if you must but remember life is short and I don’t let anyone waste a minute of my lifetime by disrespecting me. I love my husband & my husband loves me. We are equals. When he oogled when we dated, I walked out of the restaurant before the meal came. It took him almost 6 months to get me to go out on a date with him again & I didn’t make it easy for him. Took him longer than it would have to get me to agree to marry him because I told him I don’t need to deal with adolesant behavior & won’t. I also told him I won’t spend my lifetime arguing about it. He tried to pull the “your crazy” thing with me and I said “Well, you must be nuttier than me because you are pursuing a crazy girl then” Throw it right back at them. It’s not controlling to stand up for yourself. It IS controlling when someone disrespects you and then makes YOU feel like there is something wrong with you because you don’t dig what they are doing and you have courage enough to speak up for yourself. Can’t argue feelings and if your man (or woman) belittles how you feel rather than caring about your feelings, then it is time to move on. Better off alone than alone with a thorn in your side.

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