My husband is having an affair. He says after 15 years of marriage he doesn’t know why he did it. He says it’s over but I am hurt, angry, humiliated, and feel dumb I didn’t see it coming. We are in counseling and we have two kids, 8 and 11 years old. Is there any advice or hope you can give me? Asked by Leah – Clarksville, TN
Many people after years of marriage begin to think of having an affair. Usually because things aren’t new anymore and the daily drudgery of a family, work and playdates is just not that exciting, nor does it boost ones esteem. People tend to flirt more to get the feeling of excitement back and worse they begin to act on it. Somehow they think the cute soccer coach or cute mom or co-worker will fulfill their fantasy of the perfect spouse. Most people who have been married for so long have built a life together. It’s a shame to throw it all away on a whim or the short lived chance to feel sexy again. The ramifications of that behavior are usually not thought of. Your husband, I doubt, thought of the damage he would do to his life, marriage and more importantly his children.
Continue counseling to explore ways to improve your marriage and perhaps save it. My hope is this was just a midlife thing and he will realize what he did. However, take into account your own feelings of hurt and mistrust and work through those. I hope whatever the outcome it will be positive. Megan – 30 something
I am so sorry that you are going through this and understand your feelings. Rebuilding trust in a relationship after an affair is a huge challenge. However, I have seen it done, but what it seems to require is 110% commitment on both of your parts to move forward and forgive. On his part, he needs to forgive himself, and on your part, forgive him. My personal opinion is that he also needs to understand what was behind his dishonorable actions, so he can be on guard and aware of the trigger going forward. If you want to stay in this relationship (and I advise not making any snap decisions while you are hurt and angry) – know that you are traveling a well-worn path and that others who have gone before you have survived and thrived after such heartbreak. Please take care of yourself and I wish you the very best. Amy B. – 40 something
I think you have every right to feel hurt and betrayed. That is the first piece of advice I would give you: Don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t have the right to feel hurt. My second piece of advice: Only you can decide what is best for you. It’s been my experience that there is always some reason in the background for unfaithfulness, and once you get to the bottom of what that is, it will be easier to how to handle it. There is no right or wrong now, only what can help you get to healing faster. My third piece of advice: make sure you respect yourself and require that from your husband. He should tell you why he strayed, even if he thinks it is going to hurt your feelings.
It would be nice if your marriage will go back to where it was before, but that’s not going to be possible. But look for support from friends and family and work your way through this. Amy C. – 40 something
Let me acknowledge that this situation is very painful and I am sorry this has occurred in your marriage. It’s my belief that you are doing the right thing to get counseling. Affairs feel very personal but it is to your benefit not to personalize this too much. That probably sounds very weird to you but let me explain.
It’s unfortunate, but research seems to indicate that about 60% of men and 40% of women have affairs. While there doesn’t seem to be one single reason a person might chose to have an affair, there are many factors that contribute to this tendency in our society. You may have observed that affairs are glamorized by media and movies. Some professionals cite that the code of secrecy and shame about sexuality may lead a person to be embarrassed to honestly explore their sexuality with a spouse. Another possible explanation could be that during middle age and the responsibilities associated with it, may lead someone to seek an affair because they like the idea of “doing sometime wild”.
With counseling, the reasons your husband made this decision will be fully explored. Try your best to listen and be present. This process could signal a whole new and more intimate phase in your marriage.
Louise – 60 something
When one walks the path of shattered dreams, it is difficult to find solid footing and know which steps to take. Your situation is not uncommon, although your emotions and feelings are owned by you alone. In many cultures, both past and present, a spouse’s affairs are regarded as commonplace and acceptable, but in ours, which is a monogamous one, it is expected each will stay faithful “until death us to part.” Since our lifespans are increasing, and both men and women are experiencing the freedom of more choices, sexual and otherwise, this can present many challenges. Counseling will help isolate the causes and/or motivating factors of your husband’s infidelity (and your part in it!), but you must understand that this is not necessarily a problem to solve, but rather a situation requiring both adjustment and an ability to cope.
Accept blame only when it is honestly placed, and your husband should do the same. It is pointless to use guilt as a weapon. Make certain your therapist/counselor is objective, and does not carry a bias of any sort, i.e. religious or gender based, as this can color the direction it is suggested you take. Keep the communication lines open with your spouse, and discuss your relationship very frankly. Only the two of you really know what went wrong, and what is right, about your lives. Although difficult, attempt to work through the hurt, anger, and humiliation. While they are valid emotions, they are also self-pitying and will do nothing to prepare you for what lies ahead. Instead, replace them with positive efforts toward keeping life as normal for your two children, who need above all else to see consistency in their lives, and to keeping yourself physically and mentally healthy and attractive. Try not to engage family members or friends in your private business, for they will be forced to take sides, usually to the detriment of everyone. Steel yourself against gossip and cruel comments, true or not. Above all, do not lose hope for the future. It will be different, to be sure, but also a time for growth and new opportunities you scarcely can dream of now. Marge – 70 something
