How to Handle the Mommy Cliques at Your Child’s School

There are Mommy Cliques in my daughter’s school.  It seems if I am not “in” the right clique she is left out of invites and playdates.  I am not sure how to navigate all of this.  I thought it was her that was in school, not me.  Please help!  Asked by Amy – Atlanta, GA

For the record, I don’t think we ever really leave high school. It might be more subtle, but it is still there. But luckily we are wiser. If your child is not invited because you don’t aren’t BFFs with the moms, are they really the influences you want in your daughter’s life? Better to not worry if the families that are part of whatever “clique” but rather that you have actually something in common with them.

And some food for thought: something I have noticed over the years is that some people (although not all!) that I thought had an attitude, were actually somewhat shy, or had something serious in their life distracting them, or were very busy with jobs/extended family/general chaos. If you are not invited to all the school gatherings, it might just be because folks are busy and not necessarily intentionally excluding you. Some families have literally known each other for years and years, and it makes sense that they spend time together. And if it’s the case that they have rude attitudes, they aren’t worth your time. Amy C. – 40 something

 

Sometimes navigating mommy friendships can make us feel like we are back in middle school! It sounds like your intuition is really strong here. I hear you saying that you are not interested in playing games, but want to know how to support your child to be well, happy and be able to create strong friendships.

I know that there have been times that I was either in or out of the mom-clique and sometimes it meant that my child was excluded or included, but all in all, it seems to me that a few things are most important:

1. You don’t need to force friendships for the sake of your child. Not only will you end up with friends you don’t really like, you are also modeling an inauthentic way of being in the world.

2. If your child only gets invited to play dates etc. because you are friends with the mother, she may be happy to be included at the beginning, but in the long run it will most likely be unsatisfying for her because the invite is not based on her friendship, but on yours.

3. Talk to your child. Who are the children she enjoys hanging out with? Who does she have lunch with or play with at recess? Start by inviting those children to your house for one on one play dates. Having one really good friend is often all a child really needs to create a wonderful experience of childhood.

4. If you learn that there is a party or event that your child is not invited too, see if you can make a play date for her at that time or do something special together, so she can be focused on something else instead of being left out.

5. Is there one mom that you feel an affinity towards? Ask her to coffee or lunch. It my turn into a real friendship and it is possible that your children will like each other too.

Most of all be honest with your child. Explain what is happening to her in terms she can understand. If she is not included, it is not about her, it is about the adults that are in charge and they (we) are not always all that smart!

Remember that you are the most important person in your child’s life. No matter what happens, if you are there and honestly talking your child through her challenges, that is the greatest gift any child could have. Jamee – 40 something

 

I had some experience with this when I lived in a wealthy community in California. My son seemed to be left out of many of the fun activities his wealthier friends were invited to. And yes-I was not in their circle of friends. Friendly yes-but I obviously didn’t fit into their faster lifestyle. But now, having raised that child to college years and another through middle school, I see it really had more to do with my son’s personality than mine. My son took a while to mature to the level of his classmates. Sometimes I wonder if I should have given him another year of preschool instead of rushing him into elementary school as one of the youngest in his class. I am not saying that your daughter isn’t lovely. I’m sure she is. But perhaps she isn’t as similar to these other kids than you think. If that is true-it may be up to you to find a group of kids who are like your daughter. And in doing so you also may find a group of likeminded moms. Ones that are more open, and warm. It may be your job to create this group. Go ahead. Find people you and your daughter like. Invite the kids over who have just moved into your school. Forget about the shallow people. Make your own friends! Ann – 50 something

 

First you have to examine why being in the “right” clique is so important to you. There has always been a popular crowd but this juvenile desire to be included in this supposedly select group should disappear once adulthood is reached and one’s own individuality is developed. The need to belong to a clique is often related to a lack of self-esteem and need for approval from a group that supports similar, often judgmental, ideologies.

They keep scorecards both for themselves and others. Examine whether you want to model this type of behavior for your daughter or if, instead, you wish to promote her self confidence in her own gifts and talents and learn to choose her own friends without parental influence. Marge – 70 something